GREG RUTHERFORD

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Face: POSITIVELY EMBRYONIC
Body: POSITIVELY BYRONIC
Arms: POSITIVELY BIONIC
Personality: SUUUUUPER NICE
Distinguishing features: ACTUAL OLYMPIAN
Attainability: NOPE

Some stats just to help you get into the zone: he’s won gold medals at the Commonwealth Games, World Championships, European Championships, and of course the Olympics. That’s hella gold. He could melt those babies down and make you a fucking nice C-3PO costume. As well as this, he’s probably the nicest guy in the world and I’ve met Michael Palin, so… As we know, dear readers, being nice and kind is one of the key traits that’ll get you WOULDed, along with…you know* (*penis). He is intelligent, decent, and principled, notably raising concern and threatening to pull out of Sports Personality of the Year last year due to the homophobic and misogynistic bile spewed by professional cunt, Tyson Fury; and he also has a really sound girlfriend who bravely stands up to toxic trolls and their constant rape threats (yes – the world is so nice, isn’t it). If you’d like to continue some “important research” on Greg he’s currently appearing on Strictly Come Dancing and wears a lot of spandex, which helps with the (penis) bit quite a lot.

(For the Allens – you enjoyed that day at the farm so much. Xx)

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MARK CAVENDISH

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Face: MANXIOUS
Body: ROADRUNNER
Arms: NOT INVITED
Personality: SPIKY
Distinguishing features: THIGHS LIKE WHUT
Attainability: MARRIED WITH A SON

The geezer just won an Olympic medal FFS! But he also happens to be pretty fucking hot too, so there’s that. And “that” is why he’s here today, folks. What I like about him (face) is that he (legs) doesn’t pander to the media’s weird obsession (face) with sportspeople (legOK ALREADY I’M GETTING TO THAT BIT, JESUS CHRIST) having to be dancing monkeys under the spotlight and in interviews. I mean yeah, how lovely is it to see cheery Mo Farah or the gorgeous smiley smiley Laura Trott giving good grins on the BBC? It’s so, so ace! But, there are also people in this world who don’t feel the need to do that sometimes: look at actual living goddess Serena Williams, or the brilliantly focussed Andy Murray. Both, along with Cavendish, smile when they want, not when they are asked to. You gotta admire this. ALSO, his thighs are like carved fucking marble reliefs in the Pantheon and he could easily step in for Jason Orange in a Manx Take That tribute act.

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CAMILLE LACOURT

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Face: BAE-WATCH
Body: PORN POSEIDON
Arms: HERCULEAN
Personality: PRAT?
Distinguishing features: OLYMPIAN
Attainability: MARRIED TO AN EX-MISS FRANCE

The Olympic Games: surely the literal apex of WOULD-spotting . . . ? But everybody who’s somebody knows that the best and most sublime male bodies are generally owned by the gymnasts and the swimmers. Look, just assume that I have done a lot of fucking relevant research on this topic OK. Don’t @ me. Monsieur Lacourt is a 6ft 7in physical manifestation of the exact phantasmagoric figure that has appeared to me many times in my dreams where I am drowning in a tropical lagoon after enjoying a delicious triple-Michelin starred lunch with my dining companion/sexual partner, Alexander Skarsgård. I could think of no finer way to almost die than to inhale a gallon of water into my lungs and then wait for my chest to be pumped until I spew by this aquatic apparition. He seems to be very anti-doping (honourable?) but also a bit of a dick (race-o?), but who knows. What I do know is that whatever he does, he looks like a runway model fallen from heaven whilst doing it.

(For Lesley, the best goddam doctor since Doug Ross. Xxx)

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JEFF GOLDBLUM

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Face: JEWISH BIG BIRD
Body: TALL GUY
Arms: RAPTOR-OUS
Personality: THE BIG CHILL
Distinguishing features: PIANO SKILLS
Attainability: MAZZAD

Jeff, don’t look at me that way – you know what happens when you look at me that way. You know when you do that thing with your bewildering feline smile and your hollowed dimples, and you unfurl those elongated stems, and you indolently begin to muse on an intellectual sublimity, and OH MY FUCKING GOD JEFF JUST STOP IT ALREADY. Don’t you have anything better to do, like be hilarious and elegant and deeply esoteric in a blockbuster movie or something?! Like, why are you actually so sexually perplexing? I don’t want to plummet into this cedar-scented abyss lined with grey marl cashmere turtlenecks but somehow you lure me in with your tapered pianist fingers and your inexplicably white teeth. Goddam you, Jeff; there has to be a reason why your inveiglement has tangibly increased as you have aged and I think it’s because you have been sent by Satan to fuck with our minds.

(For Kerry! And all the women of the world who can’t control their urges. Xx)

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JESSE WILLIAMS

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Face: I MEAN COME ON
Body: BAE’S ANATOMY
Arms: MODEL CITIZENS
Personality: WOKE
Distinguishing features: BOY GOT BRAINZ
Attainability: MARRIED WITH KIDS

This guy. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Daaaaaamn. Children, use the power and platforms you have access to and then double your money, so to speak. Finding himself in a position of strength (securing a starring role in the insanely popular Grey’s Anatomy, becoming a beloved small-screen hunk) Mr Williams has helped to elevate the discussion of topics that are dear to him as a civil rights activist, and fucking important for everyone else to take part in too. Taking the stage at the BET Awards in June after winning an award for his humanitarian efforts, Jesse raised the roof by making this impassioned speech in support of #BlackLivesMatter, as if he weren’t sexual catnip enough. My god! Erudite, respectful, committed, beautiful and talented, this ex-primary school teacher-slash-model (obviously) is a gentle yet seriously steady force to be reckoned with. White Hollywood needs to keep listening, along with the rest of the world.

Support #BlackLivesMatter here and in your communities and please take the time to understand why it is so, so, so important. Thank you xxx

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GARETH BALE

dirk-rees-portfolio-sports-and-motion-Bale_01jpg-1650x1520Face: SIMIAN
Body: WELL OILED MACHINE
Arms: GWEITHIO’N GALED
Personality: BOY NEXT DOOR
Distinguishing features: MAD BALL SKILLS
Attainability: LIVES WITH HIS CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART

How can someone simultaneously be unattractive and yet so devastatingly attractive? I’m afraid I wouldn’t actually know, given my extreme physical superiority; but I’ll try and analyse this question for you, dear readers. Mr Bale is, without a doubt, one of the top five footballers on the planet. Speedier than a Kardashian heading for the nude bodycon dress rail at Balmain, lovely Gareth has proven himself to be one of the most physically agile athletes that the bigwigs at the various soccer ball federations have ever come across. And let’s face it, they’ve come across a few in their time FNAAAAARRRRR!!!! Maaaan, am I funny. Boy-oh-boy. Propelling Wales to the semi-finals of the Euros, Bale has consistently proven his startling value; and caused a fair few emotional moments for the watching public as well. There’s nothing like an underdog team succeeding against all odds to get you feeling all Ellen about life. In conclusion, he might look like he was bred at Monkey World, but he is one hundred percent All Man.

 

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JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

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Face: DREAM SCENE
Body: JOCK
Arms: BALLERS
Personality: UP 4 IT
Distinguishing features: STARRY LINEAGE
Attainability: GOOD?

Have you seen Ballers yet? It’s produced by and also stars The Rock, features numerous mega-lol moments, and has a largely black cast – which is always good news for any big new show (and should be the fucking norm rather than an anomaly, however positive it is). Disclaimer: I watched the entire first series in one go on a flight to New Zealand at Christmas. Another huge draw BUT OF COURSE NOT THE REASON I WATCHED IT is the extremely WOULD-heavy cast, including the flawed yet charismatic character of Ricky Jerret, played by Mr Washington here. Oh, what’s that…? You want to know if he is related to any other unbelievably sexy actors with the surname Washington…? Why yes, dear reader! Indeed he is… John David is Denzel’s son, and along with inheriting the family acting skillz, he also seems to have actually surpassed his father in terms of attractiveness. This feat alone would warrant him an entry on this blog, but the fact that he was also a professional American football player for several years is just the ball in the sack imho.

(Hey Kezza! For you xxx)

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