Face: CLASSIC HOLLYWOOD
Personality: LITERALLY AMAZING
Distinguishing features: INTEGRITY
Attainability: YOU WISH
Vice President Biden has been quite remarkable to observe over the last eight years. He is kind, and emotionally smart, and a loyal friend and ally to President Obama; but moreover he is just truly, truly decent. He has always been decent. His role as a father and grandfather is the most important thing to him, and he brought his young sons up alone after his wife and baby daughter were tragically killed in a car accident. Finding new happiness after five years of extreme loneliness following his wife’s death, Biden remarried and had another daughter. He and his second wife have now been married for over forty years. In an incredibly cruel twist of fate, his son Beau died of brain cancer at the age of forty six. Joe Biden has spoken so eloquently and honestly about these traumas, and has shown such obvious love and respect for his good friend Barack, that it can only be a truly positive example to all men and boys around the world. He is a strong LGBTQ supporter and collaborator, a proud feminist, a champion for human rights, an honest and emotional orator, and a fucking good man. We will miss you as Vice President, Joe.
(For Sharmila xxx)
Body: REVOLUTIONARY (ROAD)
Arms: LATE BLOOMERS
Personality: NOCTURNAL ANIMAL
Distinguishing features: THAT VOICE!
You want to, but you don’t know why you want to. That, dear reader, is the dichotomy of Shannon. At once terrifying and endlessly sexually alluring, Michael Shannon has stealthily risen from the ranks of niche bit-part character actor to scene-stealing créature dévastatrice. On his ascent, he has racked up a litany of arresting consummations; not least of all his truly incredible recent turn in Tom Ford’s distressing Nocturnal Animals as a consumptive Texan police detective. Resembling – as it does at the best of times – a mugshot of a serial killer from Wisconsin in 1932, his face is worryingly beguiling. Yet, there is a reassuring moral solidness to the man; he is resolute on the topic of parents who voted for Trump, for example: “Fuck ’em. You’re an orphan now. Don’t go home. Don’t go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Don’t talk to them at all. Silence speaks volumes.” I like him. I like his unwavering scowl. I like his weird top lip that’s bigger than his bottom lip. I just like him.
(Dedicated to his slightly more wholesome doppelgänger, Jeremy. And Kerry, and Katie: new fans. Xxx)
Face: GIMME GIMME (GIL)MORE
Body: SICILIAN BARMAN
Distinguishing features: CROOKED MOUTH
Attainability: LOOKS WIDE OPEN YO
If part of you has always thought “this is what Sylvester Stallone would look like if he was unbelievably hot”, then you’re basically on the exact same thought trajectory as me. Hey, we should be friends! How vindicated I felt, then, when Milo here was cast as Rocky’s son in Rocky Balboa, the sixth installment of the seminal boxing movie series which is basically the best movie series ever with Rocky IV being the ultimate best movie within the series don’t @ me plz. As Gilmore Girl‘s surly Jess, Mr Ventimiglia captured the desirous hearts of every fervent viewer; mainly because Dean was a fucking wetwipe and Logan was undoubtedly a Republican douche who probably watched Ashton Kutcher’s Punk’d. Feisty, bratty, a little bit dangerous, a whole lot sexy and definitely incalculably mesmeric, Jess was almost the second coming of Jordan Catalano himself. As a teetotal skateboarding vegetarian, you might imagine that Milo V has the potential to be on the dull side; but do you even CARE bro?
(For Mhairi, Ellie, Gail, Oisin, Greg & millions more. Xx)
(P.S. GILMORE GIRLS IS BACK FOR A SPECIAL NETFLIX SHOW ON NOVEMBER 25TH!!!!!!!!)
Face: POSITIVELY EMBRYONIC
Body: POSITIVELY BYRONIC
Arms: POSITIVELY BIONIC
Personality: SUUUUUPER NICE
Distinguishing features: ACTUAL OLYMPIAN
Some stats just to help you get into the zone: he’s won gold medals at the Commonwealth Games, World Championships, European Championships, and of course the Olympics. That’s hella gold. He could melt those babies down and make you a fucking nice C-3PO costume. As well as this, he’s probably the nicest guy in the world and I’ve met Michael Palin, so… As we know, dear readers, being nice and kind is one of the key traits that’ll get you WOULDed, along with…you know* (*penis). He is intelligent, decent, and principled, notably raising concern and threatening to pull out of Sports Personality of the Year last year due to the homophobic and misogynistic bile spewed by professional cunt, Tyson Fury; and he also has a really sound girlfriend who bravely stands up to toxic trolls and their constant rape threats (yes – the world is so nice, isn’t it). If you’d like to continue some “important research” on Greg he’s currently appearing on Strictly Come Dancing and wears a lot of spandex, which helps with the (penis) bit quite a lot.
(For the Allens – you enjoyed that day at the farm so much. Xx)
Arms: NOT INVITED
Distinguishing features: THIGHS LIKE WHUT
Attainability: MARRIED WITH A SON
The geezer just won an Olympic medal FFS! But he also happens to be pretty fucking hot too, so there’s that. And “that” is why he’s here today, folks. What I like about him (face) is that he (legs) doesn’t pander to the media’s weird obsession (face) with sportspeople (legOK ALREADY I’M GETTING TO THAT BIT, JESUS CHRIST) having to be dancing monkeys under the spotlight and in interviews. I mean yeah, how lovely is it to see cheery Mo Farah or the gorgeous smiley smiley Laura Trott giving good grins on the BBC? It’s so, so ace! But, there are also people in this world who don’t feel the need to do that sometimes: look at actual living goddess Serena Williams, or the brilliantly focussed Andy Murray. Both, along with Cavendish, smile when they want, not when they are asked to. You gotta admire this. ALSO, his thighs are like carved fucking marble reliefs in the Pantheon and he could easily step in for Jason Orange in a Manx Take That tribute act.
Body: PORN POSEIDON
Distinguishing features: OLYMPIAN
Attainability: MARRIED TO AN EX-MISS FRANCE
The Olympic Games: surely the literal apex of WOULD-spotting . . . ? But everybody who’s somebody knows that the best and most sublime male bodies are generally owned by the gymnasts and the swimmers. Look, just assume that I have done a lot of fucking relevant research on this topic OK. Don’t @ me. Monsieur Lacourt is a 6ft 7in physical manifestation of the exact phantasmagoric figure that has appeared to me many times in my dreams where I am drowning in a tropical lagoon after enjoying a delicious triple-Michelin starred lunch with my dining companion/sexual partner, Alexander Skarsgård. I could think of no finer way to almost die than to inhale a gallon of water into my lungs and then wait for my chest to be pumped until I spew by this aquatic apparition. He seems to be very anti-doping (honourable?) but also a bit of a dick (race-o?), but who knows. What I do know is that whatever he does, he looks like a runway model fallen from heaven whilst doing it.
(For Lesley, the best goddam doctor since Doug Ross. Xxx)
Face: JEWISH BIG BIRD
Body: TALL GUY
Personality: THE BIG CHILL
Distinguishing features: PIANO SKILLS
Jeff, don’t look at me that way – you know what happens when you look at me that way. You know when you do that thing with your bewildering feline smile and your hollowed dimples, and you unfurl those elongated stems, and you indolently begin to muse on an intellectual sublimity, and OH MY FUCKING GOD JEFF JUST STOP IT ALREADY. Don’t you have anything better to do, like be hilarious and elegant and deeply esoteric in a blockbuster movie or something?! Like, why are you actually so sexually perplexing? I don’t want to plummet into this cedar-scented abyss lined with grey marl cashmere turtlenecks but somehow you lure me in with your tapered pianist fingers and your inexplicably white teeth. Goddam you, Jeff; there has to be a reason why your inveiglement has tangibly increased as you have aged and I think it’s because you have been sent by Satan to fuck with our minds.
(For Kerry! And all the women of the world who can’t control their urges. Xx)