Category Archives: Uncategorized

JIMMY KIMMEL

Face: DILF Body: SHRINKING Arms: BLESSED BE THY NAME Personality: PARADOXICAL Distinguishing features: SMART AS A WHIP Attainability: MARRIED, UGH In this deeply unsettling age, where an obese, corrupt, genetically idiotic television star has become the president of the United … Continue reading

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TAIKA WAITITI

Face: PHWOAR: RAGNAROK Body: HIPSTER COFFEE BARISTA Arms: SMEAGOL VS. SHARK Personality: WIT-A-RAMA Distinguishing features: ASCENDING STARDOM Attainability: MARRIED He writes, he acts, he directs, he’s funny, he looks like that, and he seems like a good egg – so, … Continue reading

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ANDY MURRAY

Face: HOT BEAVIS Body: POWERHOUSE Arms: LETHAL Personality: NICELY WOKE Distinguishing features: NEED WE DISCUSS THE GRAND SLAM TITLES? Attainability: NOPE No fanfare, no virtue signalling, no big deal: just a simple correction of the facts is all it takes. … Continue reading

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JOHN F. KENNEDY JNR

  Face: CINEMATIC Body: SANS PAREIL Arms: POLITICAL HEAVYWEIGHTS Personality: LIMELIGHT LOVER Distinguishing features: LUPINE SMILE Attainability: GIRL HE DEAD Despite the ease with which he navigated the Martha’s Vineyard summer sartorial hurdles, I never bought into the whole ‘JFK … Continue reading

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ANTHONY JOSHUA

Face: EARLY 90S VERSACE MODEL Body: BEHEMOTHIC Arms: MONDO Personality: NICE LAD Distinguishing features: MUTHAFUCKIN’ HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP! Attainability: PROBABLY BALLS DEEP ALREADY BUT GIVE IT A GO This colossus of a man is how I imagine one of the bouncers … Continue reading

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ANTHONY BOURDAIN

Face: A LIFE WELL LIVED Body: LEAN CUISINE Arms: PARTS UNKNOWN Personality: PROFANE Distinguishing features: EXCELLENT IN THE KITCHEN Attainability: NO RESERVATIONS Liberally peppering one’s vernacular with obscenities is something that flows fairly effortlessly for me, given that I grew up in Essex … Continue reading

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MAHERSHALA ALI

Face: CALIFORNIAN CONQUEROR Body: DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT Arms: KNOCKOUT Personality: COURTEOUS Distinguishing features: THE ONLY WAY IS UP Attainability: ZERO CHANCE He’s been on the list since I first saw him in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (and then … Continue reading

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