Category Archives: Uncategorized

ANTHONY BOURDAIN

Face: A LIFE WELL LIVED Body: LEAN CUISINE Arms: PARTS UNKNOWN Personality: PROFANE Distinguishing features: EXCELLENT IN THE KITCHEN Attainability: NO RESERVATIONS Liberally peppering one’s vernacular with obscenities is something that flows fairly effortlessly for me, given that I grew up in Essex … Continue reading

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MAHERSHALA ALI

Face: CALIFORNIAN CONQUEROR Body: DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT Arms: KNOCKOUT Personality: COURTEOUS Distinguishing features: THE ONLY WAY IS UP Attainability: ZERO CHANCE He’s been on the list since I first saw him in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (and then … Continue reading

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ROB DELANEY

Face: BURT REYNOLDS & PETER DINKLAGE’S LOVECHILD Body: HIRSUTISM IS A WAY OF LIFE Arms: NOT CATASTROPHIC Personality: LOL Distinguishing features: FEMINIST ALLY Attainability: NAH Rob Delaney, along with Alan Alda, Stuart Hall, Justin Trudeau and Mark Ruffalo, is a good … Continue reading

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JOE BIDEN

Face: CLASSIC HOLLYWOOD Body: DIGNIFIED Arms: CAREGIVER Personality: LITERALLY AMAZING Distinguishing features: INTEGRITY Attainability: YOU WISH Vice President Biden has been quite remarkable to observe over the last eight years. He is kind, and emotionally smart, and a loyal friend and … Continue reading

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MICHAEL SHANNON

Face: PSYCHOTIC Body: REVOLUTIONARY (ROAD) Arms: LATE BLOOMERS Personality: NOCTURNAL ANIMAL Distinguishing features: THAT VOICE! Attainability: TAKEN You want to, but you don’t know why you want to. That, dear reader, is the dichotomy of Shannon. At once terrifying and endlessly … Continue reading

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MILO VENTIMIGLIA

Face: GIMME GIMME (GIL)MORE Body: SICILIAN BARMAN Arms: HEROES Personality: CHILL Distinguishing features: CROOKED MOUTH Attainability: LOOKS WIDE OPEN YO If part of you has always thought “this is what Sylvester Stallone would look like if he was unbelievably hot”, … Continue reading

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GREG RUTHERFORD

Face: POSITIVELY EMBRYONIC Body: POSITIVELY BYRONIC Arms: POSITIVELY BIONIC Personality: SUUUUUPER NICE Distinguishing features: ACTUAL OLYMPIAN Attainability: NOPE Some stats just to help you get into the zone: he’s won gold medals at the Commonwealth Games, World Championships, European Championships, and … Continue reading

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