Author Archives: totallywould

RONAN FARROW

Face: TINKERBELL Body: SLIGHT Arms: LITHE Personality: BADASS Distinguishing features: TENACITY OF A BLOODHOUND Attainability: POSSIBLE BOYFRIEND? Rapidly running out of fucking options for this blog, I thought long and hard about the men who are risking their careers or … Continue reading

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STORMZY

Face: DEFTLY HEWN Body: BIG (FOR YOUR BOOTS….AND HIS) Arms: STRAPPED Personality: BLESS Distinguishing features: GRIMY Attainability: MIGHT BE WORTH TWEETING HIM Nothing brings me greater joy than knowing that there are fiercely intelligent, articulate, humble, kind, and fucking inspiring … Continue reading

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JON BERNTHAL

Face: SEX-MONKEY Body: PUNISHED Arms: MARVELS Personality: AMIABLE Distinguishing features: NOSE LIKE A¬†1930s PIT FIGHTER Attainability: NUH-UH Look, what can I tell ya? I’m a sucker for a big-nosed brunette and you long term readers know my Spidey-sense patterns by … Continue reading

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DAVID HARBOUR

Hello. Firstly, I’d like to say something to you all. It’s obviously no secret that this blog is defiantly¬†tongue in cheek, but I am staunchly feminist and stand in constant, unwavering solidarity with the women all over the world who … Continue reading

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JIMMY KIMMEL

Face: DILF Body: SHRINKING Arms: BLESSED BE THY NAME Personality: PARADOXICAL Distinguishing features: SMART AS A WHIP Attainability: MARRIED, UGH In this deeply unsettling age, where an obese, corrupt, genetically idiotic television star has become the president of the United … Continue reading

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TAIKA WAITITI

Face: PHWOAR: RAGNAROK Body: HIPSTER COFFEE BARISTA Arms: SMEAGOL VS. SHARK Personality: WIT-A-RAMA Distinguishing features: ASCENDING STARDOM Attainability: MARRIED He writes, he acts, he directs, he’s funny, he looks like that, and he seems like a good egg – so, … Continue reading

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ANDY MURRAY

Face: HOT BEAVIS Body: POWERHOUSE Arms: LETHAL Personality: NICELY WOKE Distinguishing features: NEED WE DISCUSS THE GRAND SLAM TITLES? Attainability: NOPE No fanfare, no virtue signalling, no big deal: just a simple correction of the facts is all it takes. … Continue reading

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