Author Archives: totallywould

ANTONI POROWSKI

Face: CHRISTIAN BALE IF HE WERE AN ANGEL Body: AVOCADO ADVOCATE Arms: GENTLY RIPPED Personality: PUPPYDOG Distinguishing features: HANDY WITH A CANAPÉ Attainability: HAS AN INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS BOYFRIEND I can’t hold out any longer. I didn’t want to be one … Continue reading

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DARREN CRISS

Face: DISNEY’S ALADDIN Body: GLEE-FULL Arms: CRISS CROSS Personality: WOKE Distinguishing features: PACKING IT Attainability: FUCK IT. GIRLFRIEND I mean, if you’re gonna be shot in the face by someone…….right?! Listen gurrrl, I got this. Darren Criss in a pink … Continue reading

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KARAMO BROWN

Face: ELYSIAN Body: I MEAN… Arms: FAULTLESS Personality: PROBABLY THE KINDEST MAN EVER Distinguishing features: ACTIVIST EXTRAORDINAIRE Attainability: TOO BUSY For those of you who haven’t yet watched the new series of Queer Eye on Netflix, do yourselves a favour … Continue reading

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TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET

Face: DARK ANGEL Body: OTTER Arms: HEINZ SPAGHETTI Personality: PRODIGIOUS Distinguishing features: ASCENDING STAR Attainability: SINGLEEEEEEEEEEEEE WOOO! Every once in a while an actor appears – seemingly out of nowhere – whose talent is so exquisite, so heavenly, that you … Continue reading

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RONAN FARROW

Face: TINKERBELL Body: SLIGHT Arms: LITHE Personality: BADASS Distinguishing features: TENACITY OF A BLOODHOUND Attainability: POSSIBLE BOYFRIEND? Rapidly running out of fucking options for this blog, I thought long and hard about the men who are risking their careers or … Continue reading

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STORMZY

Face: DEFTLY HEWN Body: BIG (FOR YOUR BOOTS….AND HIS) Arms: STRAPPED Personality: BLESS Distinguishing features: GRIMY Attainability: MIGHT BE WORTH TWEETING HIM Nothing brings me greater joy than knowing that there are fiercely intelligent, articulate, humble, kind, and fucking inspiring … Continue reading

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JON BERNTHAL

Face: SEX-MONKEY Body: PUNISHED Arms: MARVELS Personality: AMIABLE Distinguishing features: NOSE LIKE A 1930s PIT FIGHTER Attainability: NUH-UH Look, what can I tell ya? I’m a sucker for a big-nosed brunette and you long term readers know my Spidey-sense patterns by … Continue reading

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