Author Archives: totallywould

ANDY MURRAY

Face: HOT BEAVIS Body: POWERHOUSE Arms: LETHAL Personality: NICELY WOKE Distinguishing features: NEED WE DISCUSS THE GRAND SLAM TITLES? Attainability: NOPE No fanfare, no virtue signalling, no big deal: just a simple correction of the facts is all it takes. … Continue reading

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JOHN F. KENNEDY JNR

  Face: CINEMATIC Body: SANS PAREIL Arms: POLITICAL HEAVYWEIGHTS Personality: LIMELIGHT LOVER Distinguishing features: LUPINE SMILE Attainability: GIRL HE DEAD Despite the ease with which he navigated the Martha’s Vineyard summer sartorial hurdles, I never bought into the whole ‘JFK … Continue reading

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ANTHONY JOSHUA

Face: EARLY 90S VERSACE MODEL Body: BEHEMOTHIC Arms: MONDO Personality: NICE LAD Distinguishing features: MUTHAFUCKIN’ HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP! Attainability: PROBABLY BALLS DEEP ALREADY BUT GIVE IT A GO This colossus of a man is how I imagine one of the bouncers … Continue reading

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ANTHONY BOURDAIN

Face: A LIFE WELL LIVED Body: LEAN CUISINE Arms: PARTS UNKNOWN Personality: PROFANE Distinguishing features: EXCELLENT IN THE KITCHEN Attainability: NO RESERVATIONS Liberally peppering one’s vernacular with obscenities is something that flows fairly effortlessly for me, given that I grew up in Essex … Continue reading

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MAHERSHALA ALI

Face: CALIFORNIAN CONQUEROR Body: DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT Arms: KNOCKOUT Personality: COURTEOUS Distinguishing features: THE ONLY WAY IS UP Attainability: ZERO CHANCE He’s been on the list since I first saw him in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (and then … Continue reading

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ROB DELANEY

Face: BURT REYNOLDS & PETER DINKLAGE’S LOVECHILD Body: HIRSUTISM IS A WAY OF LIFE Arms: NOT CATASTROPHIC Personality: LOL Distinguishing features: FEMINIST ALLY Attainability: NAH Rob Delaney, along with Alan Alda, Stuart Hall, Justin Trudeau and Mark Ruffalo, is a good … Continue reading

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JOE BIDEN

Face: CLASSIC HOLLYWOOD Body: DIGNIFIED Arms: CAREGIVER Personality: LITERALLY AMAZING Distinguishing features: INTEGRITY Attainability: YOU WISH Vice President Biden has been quite remarkable to observe over the last eight years. He is kind, and emotionally smart, and a loyal friend and … Continue reading

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