Arms: BLESSED BE THY NAME
Distinguishing features: SMART AS A WHIP
Attainability: MARRIED, UGH
In this deeply unsettling age, where an obese, corrupt, genetically idiotic television star has become the president of the United States of America, it has fallen to the late night talk show hosts of the nation (rather than the US politicians) to engage or console the American people with or from the daily catastrophic news stories. Leading the charge is Mr Kimmel, a funny yet politicised force to be reckoned with. Along with Trevor Noah and Samantha Bee, he has shown more stately grace, kindness and rightly summoned fury than Congress has – let’s not even bother mentioning the embarrassing sack of actual shit that is Donald J. Trump. Dimpled of cheek and with an eye twinkle that could stun a buffalo, Kimmel has always been somewhat of a favourite of mine. Newly trim, he now rivals most of his guests in terms of sheer handsomeness; yet, it’s his emotionally charged show intros that touch on the most sensitive of topics which ensure his longevity in the hallowed pages of WOULD. Thank you for speaking, Jimmy.