Face: POSITIVELY EMBRYONIC
Body: POSITIVELY BYRONIC
Arms: POSITIVELY BIONIC
Personality: SUUUUUPER NICE
Distinguishing features: ACTUAL OLYMPIAN
Some stats just to help you get into the zone: he’s won gold medals at the Commonwealth Games, World Championships, European Championships, and of course the Olympics. That’s hella gold. He could melt those babies down and make you a fucking nice C-3PO costume. As well as this, he’s probably the nicest guy in the world and I’ve met Michael Palin, so… As we know, dear readers, being nice and kind is one of the key traits that’ll get you WOULDed, along with…you know* (*penis). He is intelligent, decent, and principled, notably raising concern and threatening to pull out of Sports Personality of the Year last year due to the homophobic and misogynistic bile spewed by professional cunt, Tyson Fury; and he also has a really sound girlfriend who bravely stands up to toxic trolls and their constant rape threats (yes – the world is so nice, isn’t it). If you’d like to continue some “important research” on Greg he’s currently appearing on Strictly Come Dancing and wears a lot of spandex, which helps with the (penis) bit quite a lot.
(For the Allens – you enjoyed that day at the farm so much. Xx)