Personality: SPIKY
Distinguishing features: THIGHS LIKE WHUT
Attainability: MARRIED WITH A SON

The geezer just won an Olympic medal FFS! But he also happens to be pretty fucking hot too, so there’s that. And “that” is why he’s here today, folks. What I like about him (face) is that he (legs) doesn’t pander to the media’s weird obsession (face) with sportspeople (legOK ALREADY I’M GETTING TO THAT BIT, JESUS CHRIST) having to be dancing monkeys under the spotlight and in interviews. I mean yeah, how lovely is it to see cheery Mo Farah or the gorgeous smiley smiley Laura Trott giving good grins on the BBC? It’s so, so ace! But, there are also people in this world who don’t feel the need to do that sometimes: look at actual living goddess Serena Williams, or the brilliantly focussed Andy Murray. Both, along with Cavendish, smile when they want, not when they are asked to. You gotta admire this. ALSO, his thighs are like carved fucking marble reliefs in the Pantheon and he could easily step in for Jason Orange in a Manx Take That tribute act.

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