Body: PORN POSEIDON
Distinguishing features: OLYMPIAN
Attainability: MARRIED TO AN EX-MISS FRANCE
The Olympic Games: surely the literal apex of WOULD-spotting . . . ? But everybody who’s somebody knows that the best and most sublime male bodies are generally owned by the gymnasts and the swimmers. Look, just assume that I have done a lot of fucking relevant research on this topic OK. Don’t @ me. Monsieur Lacourt is a 6ft 7in physical manifestation of the exact phantasmagoric figure that has appeared to me many times in my dreams where I am drowning in a tropical lagoon after enjoying a delicious triple-Michelin starred lunch with my dining companion/sexual partner, Alexander Skarsgård. I could think of no finer way to almost die than to inhale a gallon of water into my lungs and then wait for my chest to be pumped until I spew by this aquatic apparition. He seems to be very anti-doping (honourable?) but also a bit of a dick (race-o?), but who knows. What I do know is that whatever he does, he looks like a runway model fallen from heaven whilst doing it.
(For Lesley, the best goddam doctor since Doug Ross. Xxx)