Face: JEWISH BIG BIRD
Body: TALL GUY
Personality: THE BIG CHILL
Distinguishing features: PIANO SKILLS
Jeff, don’t look at me that way – you know what happens when you look at me that way. You know when you do that thing with your bewildering feline smile and your hollowed dimples, and you unfurl those elongated stems, and you indolently begin to muse on an intellectual sublimity, and OH MY FUCKING GOD JEFF JUST STOP IT ALREADY. Don’t you have anything better to do, like be hilarious and elegant and deeply esoteric in a blockbuster movie or something?! Like, why are you actually so sexually perplexing? I don’t want to plummet into this cedar-scented abyss lined with grey marl cashmere turtlenecks but somehow you lure me in with your tapered pianist fingers and your inexplicably white teeth. Goddam you, Jeff; there has to be a reason why your inveiglement has tangibly increased as you have aged and I think it’s because you have been sent by Satan to fuck with our minds.
(For Kerry! And all the women of the world who can’t control their urges. Xx)