Body: WELL OILED MACHINE
Arms: GWEITHIO’N GALED
Personality: BOY NEXT DOOR
Distinguishing features: MAD BALL SKILLS
Attainability: LIVES WITH HIS CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART
How can someone simultaneously be unattractive and yet so devastatingly attractive? I’m afraid I wouldn’t actually know, given my extreme physical superiority; but I’ll try and analyse this question for you, dear readers. Mr Bale is, without a doubt, one of the top five footballers on the planet. Speedier than a Kardashian heading for the nude bodycon dress rail at Balmain, lovely Gareth has proven himself to be one of the most physically agile athletes that the bigwigs at the various soccer ball federations have ever come across. And let’s face it, they’ve come across a few in their time FNAAAAARRRRR!!!! Maaaan, am I funny. Boy-oh-boy. Propelling Wales to the semi-finals of the Euros, Bale has consistently proven his startling value; and caused a fair few emotional moments for the watching public as well. There’s nothing like an underdog team succeeding against all odds to get you feeling all Ellen about life. In conclusion, he might look like he was bred at Monkey World, but he is one hundred percent All Man.