Monthly Archives: July 2016

JEFF GOLDBLUM

Face: JEWISH BIG BIRD Body: TALL GUY Arms: RAPTOR-OUS Personality: THE BIG CHILL Distinguishing features: PIANO SKILLS Attainability: MAZZAD Jeff, don’t look at me that way – you know what happens when you look at me that way. You know when you … Continue reading

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JESSE WILLIAMS

Face: I MEAN COME ON Body: BAE’S ANATOMY Arms: MODEL CITIZENS Personality: WOKE Distinguishing features: BOY GOT BRAINZ Attainability: MARRIED WITH KIDS This guy. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Daaaaaamn. Children, use the power and platforms you have access to and then double … Continue reading

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GARETH BALE

Face: SIMIAN Body: WELL OILED MACHINE Arms: GWEITHIO’N GALED Personality: BOY NEXT DOOR Distinguishing features: MAD BALL SKILLS Attainability: LIVES WITH HIS CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART How can someone simultaneously be unattractive and yet so devastatingly attractive? I’m afraid I wouldn’t actually know, given my extreme … Continue reading

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