Face: BURT REYNOLDS ON SPRING BREAK
Body: BONER-YN MARTELL
Arms: GAME OF WOAH-NS
Personality: TOP NOTCH
Distinguishing features: BIG PEÑA
Attainability: LOOKS PRETTY GOOD GUYS
Picture the scene: you’re practically swimming in a giant mound of delicious, snowy white cocaine, the quality of which is unparalleled, the quantity is unlimited, and the high is so perfectly nuanced that literally nothing could make this situation any better. WRONG! You could get busted. Wait, hear me out . . . Of *course* the “going to jail” part would significantly get in the way of the chizz hoofing, but just lookee here at the fucking hot cop who is taking you dowwwwwwn. Whilst Narcos is sadly nowhere good as I had hoped it would be, the one thing the casting agent got absolutely spot on is hiring the first rate babestations who populate the line up. Pedro here has the sexual intensity of a caged panther on Viagra, also displayed to magnificent effect as the charismatic deviant Oberyn Martell in Game of Thrones. In short, he looks like he’d shag you on a table in full view of a towerblock of neighbours and you’d enjoy it even more than the cocaine extravaganza.
(For Mhairi, who loves a good Chilean sexual deviant every now and then. Xx)