ARMIE HAMMER

Armie-Hammer-and-dogFace: PRINCE CH-ARMIE-NG
Body: 6’5″ OF GOLDEN SKINNED FLESH
Arms: YALE SWIM CAPTAIN
Personality: SHARP
Distinguishing features: SKIN LIKE WHUT
Attainability: NAH, MARRIED

How ace was it in The Social Network when the powers of CGI created TWO Armie Hammers to play the athletically buff Winklevii?! Pretty damn great. Because if you like your men to resemble Ivy League royalty with one eye on a super-yacht and the other on a deserted sand dune, then you are in luck. Hammer is one of those dudes that just seems too clean, too tall, too perfect, too nice, too rich and too Disney. But when you see past all of these countless flaws, you start to imagine the sexual deviancy that lies within – did you know that his great, great grandfather allegedly founded the Communist Party in NYC?! There is political fervour running through these veins, I’m telling you . . .  Saying that, his own father sounds like a mega-religious Christian nausebag so there could be a downside after all. Just don’t go there for Christmas, yeah.

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