Face: AMERICAN BEAUTY
Body: SUBURBAN DAD
Arms: THE USUAL SUSPECTS
Distinguishing Features: CHOCOLATE VOICE
Attainability: OOPS I JUST HAPPENED TO FALL OVER ONTO THIS GAY MAN’S PENIS
Here’s another one who’s been on the list for, like, ever, but his recent excellence in House of Cards has brought him back to my fickle attention. I developed an übercrush on his psychotic celluloid characters of the nineties, purely because of his tremedously mesmerising voice. It sounds like all of the best, creepiest, sexiest and calmest voices decided to get together one day and form a little supergroup like The Travelling Wilburys and, combined, just be THE best fucking voice. Now, despite his protestations, I think it’s safe to assume that we got ourselves a gay here. Fuck knows why he doesn’t just come out, but it’s unlikely that he’ll be announcing his heterosexual marriage any time soon. In the meantime, please indulge his little fantasy . . . for he provides me with many.