Monthly Archives: September 2013

SCOTT EASTWOOD

Face: EASTWOULD Body: HOLLYWOULD Arms: JOCK DELUXE Personality: POTENTIAL ASSWIPE Distinguishing Features: CLEAN CUT PERFECTNESS Attainability: PROBABLY BALLS DEEP IN STARLETS Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat this: wispy-lipped daddy Clint has gone seriously mental in the last few years. … Continue reading

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CASEY AFFLECK

Face: TO DIE FOR Body: (OCEAN’S) ELEVEN OUT OF TEN Arms: BOSTON BARTENDER Personality: HIPPIE Distinguishing Features: UNDERSTATED TALENT Attainability: MARRIED TO SUMMER PHOENIX I really like Casey Affleck’s voice: it’s kind of whiny and annoying, but so incredibly endearing. … Continue reading

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DEVRAN TASKESEN

Face: DEVRANASTATING Body: HE’S IN FASHION Arms: TASK(ESAN) AT HAND Personality: UNKNOWN Distinguishing Features: SOFTY BEARD Attainability: NO FUCKING IDEA Well lookee here. This rather beautiful chap is a German model who has eyelashes like two velvet butterflies, and luscious … Continue reading

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ZAYN MALIK

Face: WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL Body: WAND ERECTION Arms: (NOT SO) LITTLE THINGS Personality: MEH Distinguishing Features: EYES Attainability: ENGAGED TO WHATSERFACE FROM THINGY Listen up, all y’all: you’re on the wrong vibe with this Harry Styles thing. Yeah, sure, … Continue reading

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