OLIVIER MARTINEZ

Olivier-Martinez-olivier-martinez-8482970-698-932Face: FELINE
Body: (MAKES ME WANNA BE) UNFAITHFUL
Arms: PARISIAN CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Personality: GALLIC-TASTIC
Distinguishing Features: SEXUAL ALLURE
Attainability: ENGAGED TO HALLE BERRY. THUS, MINIMAL.

That scene in Unfaithful when Diane Lane is on the train and recollects an illicit sexual encounter she had with her younger lover, played by Mr Martinez, is a masterpiece in understated – yet perfectly executed – post-shag squirminess. No doubt she was able to vividly create this fictional situation by merely imagining it. I AM IMAGINING IT RIGHT NOW. Olivier Martinez is practically made of sex. I can barely stand to think about the confidence with which he would deliver coital murmurings in that delicious accent of his. His imminent offspring with Halle Berry will doubtlessly be among some of the most attractive people ever born — it’s so generous of him to impregnate her. I mean, I doubt many men would be interested in having sex with her.

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