Monthly Archives: May 2013

DISNEY’S FOX ROBIN HOOD

Face: WINNER OF THE FOXY BINGO Body: DRAWN. LITERALLY. Arms: TUFTY Personality: WILY Distinguishing Features: DAZZLING CHARISMA Attainability: IN LOVE WITH THAT FUCKING MARIAN THING Fucking swoon. Seriously. As a kid, I really used to dig anthropomorphised animals. If I … Continue reading

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GUY PEARCE

Face: LASSITER’S DREAM Body: LISSOME Arms: GRACILE Personality: L.A. CONFIDENT Distinguishing Features: MEMENTO(US) FILMOGRAPHY Attainability: MARRIED Here’s an interesting* fact for you: Guy Pearce, famous Australian actor, is not actually Australian. His mum’s from County Durham and his dad’s a … Continue reading

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NICK CAVE

Face: HENRY’S DREAM Body: NEBULOUS Arms: JACK SKELLINGTON Personality: COOL, LAZARUS, COOL! Distinguishing Features: UNTOLD CREATIVITY Attainability: MARRIED TO SUSIE BICK I know he looks like a gravedigger from an Edgar Allen Poe novella, but this man is so brimming … Continue reading

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PETER DINKLAGE

Face: DIMPLETASTIC LION Body: PRINCELY Arms: NIP/FUCK Personality: NONCHALANT Distinguishing Features: AMAZING HAZEL EYES Attainability: MARRIED WITH A DAUGHTER I’ve had a bit of a thing about Dinklage since The Station Agent, where he excelled as the introverted Finbar McBride. … Continue reading

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JAMIE DORNAN

Face: WOODLAND CREATURE Body: CK GENES Arms: GOOD FOR A STRANGLE-WANK Personality: NO ONE CARES Distinguishing Features: GOD-GIVEN FACE Attainability: MARRIED Back when Mr Dornan was a top model, I always thought how great he would look in a film. … Continue reading

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KURT COBAIN

Face: HEART SHAPED FOX Body: COME AS YOU ARE Arms: SEATTLE COFFEE HOUSE BARISTA Personality: SMELLS LIKE PEEN SPIRIT Distinguishing Features: BEST GRUNGE HAIR Attainability: NEVERMIND From the ages of eleven to sixteen, I wore twelve-hole second-hand Dr Marten’s that … Continue reading

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ED BURNS

Face: GILLEN GOES WALL STREET Body: HE’S THE ONE Arms: 27 YESSES Personality: CHILLAXED Distinguishing Features: ENTREPRENEURIAL FILM MAKER Attainability: MARRIED TO CHRISTY TURLINGTON, SO…NO He’s got a brilliant voice, I reckon. It’s kinda squeaky, kinda wise guy, but ultimately … Continue reading

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