PAUL HOLLYWOOD

Paul_Hollywood__I_took_Mary_Berry_to_McDonald_s___she_wasn_t_impressed_Face: BALDWIN BROTHER
Body: GANGSTER BEAR
Arms: HEAT-PROOF
Personality: BOSSY
Distinguishing features: AZURE EYES
Attainability: MARRIED

I see you, baby. Baking those cakes. I like it. I like that you just get straight down to business — no faffing around. Very direct. Direct is good. Your burly presence is a reassuring one, lurking as you do around the hapless baking contestants and pointing out their successes and failures in a frank and honest manner. If I was on that show I’d fuck up my Fondant Fancies on purpose so that you would constantly storm over to scold me. And I’d ENJOY it. I enjoy the pastoral combination of your pale rose shirts and cornflower eyes, crowned with that majestic, neat, silver hair. You resemble a Viking king on his way into battle (in the Gap sale), and your dominant masculinity is merely enhanced by the easy manner in which you wield a buttercream-loaded spatula. Everybody comes to Hollywood gotta have a dream… What’s yo dream?!

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4 Responses to PAUL HOLLYWOOD

  1. Vivienne says:

    Smug fucking Bell-end. I wanna smack his fake tanned face with a spatula.

  2. Kath says:

    YEY! I love him too! How long have I not been on here..Jeezz

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