Monthly Archives: December 2012

JUSTIN THEROUX

Face: GOLD PROSPECTOR Body: NICELY TAUT Arms: ROCKS OF AGES Personality: ANTI-AMERICAN PSYCHO Distinguishing features: SCREENWRITING SKILLZ Attainability: SHACKED UP WITH ANISTON He’s Louis Theroux’s cousin. That’s enough, right? It is for me, anyway. But if you want some more … Continue reading

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PAUL HOLLYWOOD

Face: BALDWIN BROTHER Body: GANGSTER BEAR Arms: HEAT-PROOF Personality: BOSSY Distinguishing features: AZURE EYES Attainability: MARRIED I see you, baby. Baking those cakes. I like it. I like that you just get straight down to business — no faffing around. … Continue reading

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LENNY KRAVITZ

Face: SNARLING Body: PINT SIZED Arms: DELICIOUS Personality: MULTI-TALENTED Distinguishing features: LIPS WORTH DYING FOR Attainability: ARE YOU GONNA GO MY WAY? …PLEASE? He’s been on the list for TIME. So, here he is, kidz. He might be fucking miniscule … Continue reading

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WILL FERRELL

Face: BABOON-ESQUE Body: OLD SCHOOL Arms: BLADES OF GLORY Personality: LAUGH-A-MINUTE Distinguishing features: FUNNY FACE Attainability: MARRIED WITH KIDS Look — he’s Buddy the ELF, yeah? ELF, FFS. Bringing joy every Christmas to millions of people! What’s not cool about … Continue reading

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BRADLEY COOPER

Face: WORRYINGLY FAMILIAR Body: PRET-TY FIT Arms: MEGABUFF Personality: ACE Distinguishing features: YEAR-ROUND TAN Attainability: GOING OUT WITH THAT AVATAR BIRD This is a very weird one for me. Despite Bradders being one of the most oft requested features on … Continue reading

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CHACE CRAWFORD

Face: EFRON’S OLDER SISTER IN DRAG AS A MAN Body: TOMMY HILFIGER PERFECTION Arms: PURE PREPPY Personality: SURPRISINGLY LOL Distinguishing features: FINE-BONED BEAUTY Attainability: SINGLE & READY TO MINGLE I mean, yeah, it’s not like I’ve imagined a threesome with … Continue reading

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MADS MIKKELSEN

Face: VAST Body: COPENHUNKEN Arms: TREE-FELLERS Personality: GREAT DANE Distinguishing features: INTENSITY Attainability: MARRIED Ooooh, Danish men. I mean, you just would, wouldn’t you? They’re MASSIVE. And in support of progressive female rights. And unintimidated by strong, Amazonian, intelligent women. … Continue reading

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