DENZEL WASHINGTON

Face: DENZEL FACE
Body: NOT LIKE ARNOLD (THANK FUCK)
Arms: WHATTA MAN
Personality: WHATTA MAN
Distinguishing features: WHAT A MIGHTY GOOD MAN
Attainability: VERY HAPPILY MARRIED, (YES HE IIIIIIS)

Hey Denz, baby. Listen, I was thinking about how y’all are married and all, and I wouldn’t want to disturb your happy home. I’m happy to take a back seat in the Pervmobile and covet you from afar. I’m ecstatic to fantasise about sitting on a porch with you on a sultry Southern evening talking about art and politics. I’m delirious with joy to think of you in an Armani tux at the Academy Awards, your Cadbury’s chocolate eyes gently creasing at the corners as you regale your peers with amusing anecdotes. Because, you see, the fact that you have been married to your beautiful wife for nearly thirty years is a wonderful thing. A rare and wonderful thing. We commend you, dear Denzel. Whatta man indeed.

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