Monthly Archives: November 2012

JEFF BUCKLEY

Face: LUPINE Body: LOVER, YOU SHOULD HAVE COME OVER (ME) Arms: HALLELUJAH Personality: DREAMER Distinguishing features: VOICE OF A HIGHER BEING Attainability: DROWNED Poor Jeff. You go for a standard midnight swim in a Mississippi river wearing all your clothes … Continue reading

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JOE COLLIER

Face: ARCHANGEL Body: NAVVY Arms: SPORTS PRO Personality: SWEETHEART Distinguishing features: GENERAL DREAMINESS Attainability: GIRLFRIEND. HUMPH. Here you go then: another fucking beaut. I’m pretty good to you, aren’t I? Mr Collier is a mere twenty years old and is … Continue reading

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MARLON TEIXEIRA

Face: ANDREX PUPPY Body: HORRIBLE (LOL) Arms: ACTUALLY PHENOMENAL Personality: GIVE A FUCK? Distinguishing features: SURFING SKILLS Attainability: I DOUBT HE’S STRUGGLING He’s Brazilian, he’s twenty one, and he’s fucking beautiful. In just two years, this model has snared some … Continue reading

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JASON LEWIS

Face: CALIFORNIA DREAMIN’ Body: ADON-AND-ON-AND-ON-IS Arms: SURF DUDE WITH ATTITUDE Personality: RELAXO Distinguishing features: EYE LASERS Attainability: HMMM… Long hair, short hair, bad hair, no hair = yes. He literally couldn’t be from anywhere else other than California. Maybe Sweden. … Continue reading

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DENZEL WASHINGTON

Face: DENZEL FACE Body: NOT LIKE ARNOLD (THANK FUCK) Arms: WHATTA MAN Personality: WHATTA MAN Distinguishing features: WHAT A MIGHTY GOOD MAN Attainability: VERY HAPPILY MARRIED, (YES HE IIIIIIS) Hey Denz, baby. Listen, I was thinking about how y’all are … Continue reading

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MATT BOMER

Face: IF DAVID GANDY IMPREGNATED ROB LOWE Body: PERFECTO Arms: FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE Personality: PERFECTLY PLEASANT Distinguishing features: BABY BLUES Attainability: MARRIED WITH BABIES Bad luck, bitches — the dude likes dudes. Ah well, one can still fantasise…  And I do, frequently. … Continue reading

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ANDY SAMBERG

Face: JEWTIFUL Body: BERKELEY CAMPUS NERD Arms: LONELY ISLANDS Personality: PRETTY LOL Distinguishing features: MOTHERLOVER Attainability: STILL DATING JOANNA NEWSOM? Dark curly hair? Check. Looks like a fucking dork? Check. Hangs around with Timbersnake? Check. All boxes checked! Therefore, I … Continue reading

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