JON BON JOVI

Face: LEONINE
Body: COMPRESSED
Arms: SLIPPERY WHEN WET
Personality: BED OF ROSES
Distinguishing features: TAWNY MANE
Attainability: MARRIED TO HIS CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART (AWW)

Flashback to Christmas 1992: My parents had just got divorced and my sister and I had to spend it with my Father at his parent’s house. His cunty ginger brother and odious family were also in attendance. Miserable, homesick, missing my mum and generally feeling very My So Called Life, the only plus point to the whole affair was getting a new Sony Walkman as a gift. My mild glimmer of joy was dashed to the fucking core when my Grandma called it a ‘Walkden’ all day — never have I wanted to commit patricide and general mass genocide more in my life. The only tape I had to play on it all Christmas was ‘Keep The Faith’, Bon Jovi’s recently released fifth studio album (also a gift). Oh Jon, you will never know how much you helped me get through that most tedious of times. You and your luscious and generous lips, perfectly rectangular teeth, and thick thatch of caramel hair. Plus you are aging like a DREAM. Rock on, dude — you’re the only person who’s allowed to wear leather trousers apart from Emmanuelle Alt.

(For Rick, who loves good hair; and Nick, who loves Bon Jovi more than anyone ever xx)

 

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