ROLAND MOURET

Face: CARTOON MAFIA-UNDERLING HIRED AS A TRUFFAUT ACTOR IN 1960
Body: TRES ELEGANT
Arms: BON
Personality: TENACIOUS
Distinguishing features: EXTREME DRESSMAKING SKILLS
Attainability: UNKNOWN

Oh, Roland — thanks to you, many, many, many, many women have felt the most beautiful they’ve ever felt. A master in creating seductive clothing, Mouret’s Galaxy and Moon dresses were particularly spectacular, becoming red-carpet staples and mainstays in the wardrobes of countless women with the required $$$. As well as this, he is tall, louche, elegant, exuberant, brimming with Gallic charm and sensuality, and loves women. He loves them so much, he makes them look like goddesses — no matter their size and shape. He’d probably make fucking Boris Johnson look good. Although he’d still look like he’d covered his head in superglue and then dipped it in a sack of baby chick feathers and then looked in the mirror and said, ‘AWWWW YEAHHH!! BOZZA’S FOUND THE LOOK!’. Anyway, Weeble-bodied Johnson can do one — Roland’s ours.

(For Stacey Duguid — a fashionable gal if ever there was one xx)

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