Face: STEVE MCCURRY’S PHOTO OF ‘AFGHAN GIRL’
Distinguishing features: ASTONISHING ACTING APTITUDE
Attainability: UNKNOWN. PROBS INTO HOOKERS.
I know, I know… He’s a total douche sack. And he’s absolutely bonkers. He’d be a nightmare. But I just can’t help it. He’s so… intense. His new movie Master looks phenomenal. And he is — without question — an incredible actor. Darkly enigmatic and mercurial like no other, he is completely mesmerising on screen. Yet, it’s pretty well documented that he is absolutely kerrrrrazy, and not in a good way. Despite his apparent bellendery, one imagines that Phoenix’s intellect is kosher and I rather suspect that he is passionate, insightful and intelligent (…all guesses. Don’t ruin this fucking illusion for me, ok). Plus, he makes me feel a bit wriggly when I look at him — his eyes are utterly penetrating. So, I’ll gloss over his faults and base this lustiness on his talent and his strange beauty.