Monthly Archives: August 2012

RUSSELL TOVEY

Face: FIT TOBY JUG Body: NAVVY Arms: BUFF TINGS Personality: TOP Distinguishing features: BLOODY ACE CONVO Attainability: SINGLE? What’s not to love about a hench, funny, talented, intelligent, Essex boy? NUTTIN’. Sounds pretty perfect to me. Brilliant in everything he … Continue reading

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STEVE CARELL

Face: ZANY Body: NORMAL Arms: DAD MOWING THE LAWN Personality: MEGALOL Distinguishing features: COMIC TIMING Attainability: MARRIED Probably not in Anchorman? But yeah, pretty much would in most other things. He’s cute. I like him. I like his weird teeth … Continue reading

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ALFIE COOPER

Face: IMPASSIONED Body: FAT-FREE Arms: STEADILY INCREASING Personality: BONKERZ Distinguishing features: PIERCING BLUE EYES Attainability: HELL YES, GET IN THERE I absolutely love this kid. It’s his 21st birthday today and he’s modelling in New York City at the moment … Continue reading

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EZRA MILLER

Face: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THOSE CHEEKBONES Body: POST-TEEN Arms: POTENTIAL Personality: PRECOCIOUS Distinguishing features: INTENSITY Attainability: GOOD FOR THE BOYS He sure looked purty playing a murderous, psychotic, sociopathic school pupil. Just my type (oh, the LOLZ we … Continue reading

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JACK KEROUAC

Face: IDOL Body: BIG SUR(PRISE) Arms: ON THE ROAD Personality: BIT RANTY Distinguishing features: LITERARY MARVEL Attainability: TOTALLY DEAD He literally drank himself to death and he often banged on and on about boring Catholicism, so you wouldn’t have wanted … Continue reading

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PAUL MCGANN

Face: CELESTINE Body: PONCE Arms: CAMBERWELL CARROTS Personality: LUVVIE Distinguishing features: HUMUNGOUS EYES Attainability: DR WHO? When I was eighteen, I worked in a pub in rural Essex frequented by the type of misogynistic braying cunt that would drink seven … Continue reading

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STU PILKINGTON

Face: SERAPHIC Body: HERCULEAN Arms: COLOSSAL Personality: BRILL Distinguishing features: EYELASHES TO DIE FOR Attainability: NOPE If, like WOULD, you got a bit bored of Big Brother after series nine, who can blame you? BBAS (Big Brother After Stuart) was … Continue reading

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