Monthly Archives: June 2012

RAFA NADAL

Face: RODENT Body: MAGNIFICO Arms: 135 MPH Personality: BLAH Distinguishing Features: RULEZ THA COURTZ Attainability: GOT A BIRD Aaaah, bummer dude — getting beaten by an upstart (sort of)… Don’t worry Rafa, we still love you, and we still definitely … Continue reading

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JASON SCHWARTZMAN

Face: ITALIAN/JEW LIBRARY NERD AT A PHOENIX GIG IN WILLIAMSBURG Body: DOLL-LIKE Arms: UNIMPRESSIVE Personality: WORDY Distinguishing Features: SON OF ROCKY (SORTA) Attainability: MARRIED WITH OFFSPRING He’s mega titchy but he’s a good ‘un. A pocket rocket, if you will. … Continue reading

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JASON STATHAM

Face: FIT MITCHELL BROTHER Body: NAILS Arms: HARDMAN Personality: ACTION PACKED Distinguishing Features: OLYMPIC CLASS DIVER Attainability: CAN YOU COMPETE WITH ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY? Fuck yeah! Bit o’ brawn! Let’s do it! Please? I’ve been ever so good. Imagine if, right, … Continue reading

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JOSHUA JACKSON

Face: PUDGY Body: DAWSON’S CHIC Arms: MANLY Personality: TWINKLING Distinguishing Features: DRY WIT Attainability: GOING OUT WITH DIANE KRUGER Remember how whiny and sniveling the boring, enormo-foreheaded Dawson was? And how funny, cool, pithy and sexy Pacey was? Yeah. That’s … Continue reading

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BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

Face: THE BOSS Body: NEW JERSEY CONSTRUCTION WORKER Arms: LIMITLESS Personality: VOCAL Distinguishing Features: HUGE MUSICAL SUCCESS Attainability: HAPPILY MARRIED So, the dude’s won twenty one Grammy awards, two Golden Globes and an Academy Award. ‘Nuff said, musically. He is … Continue reading

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BRYAN FERRY

Face: FOXY MUSIC Body: SLAVE TO LOVE Arms: TAILORED Personality: BIT OF A DILL Distinguishing Features: ROCKS A SUIT LIKE NO OTHER Attainability: LET’S STICK TOGETHER Yeah, he’s almost definitely a Tory. And yeah, most of his sons are absolute … Continue reading

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CLEMENTE RUSSO

Face: CLIFF-JAWED Body: MACHINE Arms: POWERPUNCHERS Personality: BESIDE THE POINT Distinguishing Features: OLYMPIC GLORY IN HIS SIGHTS Attainability: AAARGH DIDN’T BOTHER TO CHECK Obviously, there are many good things to have come out of Italy: pasta, pizza, Vespas, Gucci, Prada, … Continue reading

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