JIMI MISTRY

Face: EAST IS BEST
Body: ROCKNROLLER
Arms: GOD LOVES A TRIER
Personality: CHEEKY
Distinguishing Features: GREEN EYES
Attainability: NOT LOOKING TOO BAD

My obsession for Mistry was once so strong that I watched East is East about twice a week to gawp at his flammable nylon-encased body so beloved of the irritating Stella. STAY AWAY FROM OUR TARIQ, STELLA, YOU SLAG. And although his career seems to ebb and flow a little, my desire for him gushes at a steady and constant level. What is not to love about those mystical green eyes, densely fringed with Mr Snuffleupagus lashes? What is not to love about that chai latte skin? Those dazzling white teeth? The fact that he DJs with the likes of David Guetta . . . oh. There we are: the first chink in the armour. Fucks sake.

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