JACK GUINNESS

Face: OREGON TRAIL SETTLER CIRCA 1865
Body: DAPPER
Arms: INVITING
Personality: LOL PROVIDER
Distinguishing Features: ELEGANTLY HIRSUTE
Attainability: LOOK, AT LEAST HE’S LOCAL, YEAH?

Oh Jack. Just look at you. Even that cat is like, “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY MAN, BITCH”. It’s fine, I’m just glad he’s an animal lover. Aside from the menagerie we would own in our (my) fantasy life, I’d hope for some haircare tips and possibly access to his immaculately tailored wardrobe. No doubt he will be thrilled to lend his Hedi Slimane tuxedo jackets to someone as sartorially savvy as I. If you don’t know who this ruggedly slick dude is, he is a successful model and a very witty up-and-coming actor (can’t abide the phrase Jack, I apologise), and his beautiful face can be seen fronting ad campaigns for top fashion houses all over the show. But whatevs. Your main concern should be how the frig I’m gonna style the Navajo patchwork quilts on the Børge Mogensen sofa when The Selby comes round to photograph me ‘n’ Jack in our downtown loft.

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