KELLY SLATER

Face: ULTRATANNED
Body: SURF’S UP!
Arms: GOD BLESS AMERICA
Personality: SURF BORE
Distinguishing features: EXTREME ATHLETICISM
Attainability: IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

Can you recall the excellently acted and slickly produced 90s lifeguard show Baywatch? If you were an avid watcher, you might remember Kelly here playing Jimmy Slade, a dopey surfer that looked real pretty and rode the waves like a ninja cowboy. Not much of a stretch, eh Kelly? His acting was dire, but his surfin’ was goooooooooooooooood. Still is. He’s been crowned ASP World Champion 11 times, a world record. Now, surfers sure are mighty fine to cast your eyes over, but unfortunately they are often tres-dull. All they talk about is waves and water, and they get up at like 4am to get the “perfect” swell. Yeah RIGHT – that’s when you should be coming home from a night out and having sex! Still, just look at his pretty face.

(Caryll Gray, this is for you chick – happy new year! xx)

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