CHRISTIAN BALE

Face: CHEEKBONES
Body: ROLE-DEPENDENT
Arms: OFTEN PERFECT
Personality: COCK
Distinguishing features: TRANSFORMATIONAL
Attainability: MARRIED

Yeah, yeah, so we’ve all heard that rant on the internet where Bale goes mental at some hapless goon on a film set. He’s a bellend, of this we are pretty certain. However, he is also a passionately dedicated method actor, who transforms himself into a completely new person with every role he undertakes. Perhaps he could take on the role of ‘nice guy’ in real life and do all the gubbins that goes with that. Obviously, we would require him to regain his American Psycho body, which was a lesson in male perfection. In fact, he is brilliant in almost every film he’s in. He makes an excellently dour and sinister Batman just as well as he makes an edgy crackhead in The Fighter. You know, he’s probably a fucking massive pain in the butt to hang out with, but just remember: sex with Sussudio playing in the background = worth it.

(Rebecca May, this is a little pre-Christmas treat for you xxx)

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