LIAM NEESON

Face: EASTER ISLAND
Body: TRIUMPHANT
Arms: ARRESTING
Personality: GENTLE GIANT
Distinguishing features: LARGEST ROB ROY IN HOLLYWOOD
Attainability: SADLY WIDOWED

Liam Neeson is a veritable, bona-fide, man mountain. In his prime he was basically the living embodiment of SEXXX. Huge, imposing, uber-manly, and with that wonderful Celtic profile, he added gravitas to a diverse number of roles including – some would say – his most defining role as Oskar Schindler. His neck is like that of a wild animal, all sinew and sleek muscle. His soft Irish brogue is pretty much enough to drive most people crazy with desire, and in fact made me fancy Aslan the lion in the Narnia films, which is almost as weird as my enduring crush on anthropomorphised springer spaniel Aramis in the 80s kids cartoon ‘Dogtanian & The Three Muskehounds’. Plus, he has the biggest wang in the business, FACT.

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