Sit down – you’ll need to be physically stable to hear this: Johnny Depp is now FORTY EIGHT years old. Incredible as this is, can you remember LBJ (Life Before Johnny)? Of course you can’t. He has always been there, with that devastating face. His skin seems to meld itself around a bone structure that looks as though it was created in some sort of lab. It’s like if two dweebs made the ‘ideal’ man on their computer and he came to life a la Weird Science – he actually couldn’t be any more beautiful. And all of his piss poor efforts at uglifying himself only serve to make him more attractive to us. I actually fancied him the most as Edward Scissorhands. I realise I have something wrong with me though.
(Foxy Dant, I know you love Foxy Depp, so this one’s for you kid xx)