Monthly Archives: October 2011

TAYLOR HAWKINS

Face: OSMONDS GO SURFING Body: THANKFULLY MOSTLY NAKED Arms: FOO FIGHTER Personality: SUNNY Distinguishing features: DRUM SKILLZ Attainability: MARRIED WITH KIDS This is a special post to cheer up my friend Lesley Moore, who’s a poor sicky bunny today. She … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

ALEC BALDWIN

Face: JOVIAL Body: SHAGPILE Arms: RAPIDLY DECLINING Personality: G.S.O.H Distinguishing features: POLITICAL LEANINGS Attainability: IT’S COMPLICATED I’ve used an old photo of Alec to show that he used to be a total fox before he started bloating (the scourge of … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

BRUCE WILLIS

Face: EGG Body: SIN CITY Arms: ELEVATOR SHAFT CLIMBING Personality: HARD NUT Distinguishing features: THAT SMIRK Attainability: MARRIED This dude looks like he could protect you. He looks like you’d be taken care of in, err, more ways than one. … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

LIAM NEESON

Face: EASTER ISLAND Body: TRIUMPHANT Arms: ARRESTING Personality: GENTLE GIANT Distinguishing features: LARGEST ROB ROY IN HOLLYWOOD Attainability: SADLY WIDOWED Liam Neeson is a veritable, bona-fide, man mountain. In his prime he was basically the living embodiment of SEXXX. Huge, … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

LOUIS THEROUX

Face: EARNEST Body: TALL DRINK O’ WATER Arms: SPAGHETTI Personality: ZEALOUS Distinguishing features: GENTLY PROBING Attainability: SHACKED UP Some people describe Louis Theroux as a ‘weird crush’, but I don’t think it’s weird to fancy him at all. He’s tall, … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

OWEN WILSON

Face: COCKNOSE Body: SURFTASTIC Arms: ELONGATED Personality: INSOUCIANT Distinguishing features: BLONDE MOP Attainability: NOT TOO BAD I mean, yeah, his nose looks like a penis; and yeah, he’s had the same hair-do for, like, ages – but so has Jennifer … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

ERIC CANTONA

Face: NORMAN CONQUEST Body: MARSEILLE MARAUDER Arms: MAGNIFIQUE Personality: ARTISTIQUE Distinguishing features: HANDY WITH A BALL-IQUE Attainability: MARRIED-IQUE Eric Cantona? Mon dieu! His talent; his intensity; his mercurial velocity. Pher-wooooar. Rampaging across a football pitch was one thing, but being … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments