TOM FORD

Face: PRETTILY PAMPERED
Body: SLICK
Arms: GAY HONED
Personality: PERFECTIONIST
Distinguishing features: OVER-ACHIEVER
Attainability: HOPELESS

Imagine, right, if you could hang around with Tom Ford like ALL THE TIME and he dressed you and gave you a shit tonne of clothes and make-up and perfume and that, and you could chill out in his cashmere-swaddled home and be all like “heeey, can you get me another face mask from the bathroom please honey?” and he’d like, apply it to your face for you, and tell you how amazing your skin was, and he’d breathe on you, and his breath would smell like jasmine and vetiver and leather, and he’d just keep on feeding you really expensive truffles, and you’d be so happy. . . Imagine it! Sadly he’s been with his equally stylish partner for nearly 30 years and they probably don’t want some fag hag ruining their vibes. Perfection has a name, and it is TOM FORD.

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