Monthly Archives: March 2011

RYAN GOSLING

Face: WONKY Body: SLEEK Arms: CAPABLE Personality: SLEEPY Distinguishing features: PUPPY DOG EYES Attainability: WE’RE HOPEFUL Ryan Gosling is the type of guy it’s deemed alright for straight men to fancy too (by other straight guys – women and gays … Continue reading

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JAVIER BARDEM

Face: GINORMOUS Body: BURLY Arms: RESOLUTE Personality: FERVENT Distinguishing features: ACTING APTITUDE Attainability: PENELOPE CRUZ (NONE) Javier Bardem has, by his own admission, got a ‘big face’. But hey, more for us to love. He’s one of those guys that … Continue reading

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ERIC McCORMACK

Face: CANADIAN Body: FAUX-GAY Arms: PLEASING Personality: COMICAL Distinguishing features: ERRRM… Attainability: MARRIED INNIT As you (probably don’t) know, Eric here played Will Truman in Will & Grace for eight delicious years, and despite that fact that his character was … Continue reading

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DAVID BOWIE

Face: ANGLED Body: ELEGANTLY WASTED Arms: NON-EXISTENT Personality: GENIUS Distinguishing features: HETEROCHROMIA IRIDUM Attainability: MINUS (MARRIED TO IMAN) Talent is sexy. Being a visionary is sexy. Being the most talented visionary EVER in the music industry is triple platinum sexy. … Continue reading

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JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT

Face: HEATH LEDGER Body: HIPSTER Arms: PUNY Personality: SPARKY Distinguishing features: LABRADOR EYES Attainability: PROMISING Skinny Jew-nerds are always ace crushes, unless they suddenly buff up like Marc Jacobs and turn into muscle gays . . . but that’s for … Continue reading

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DENNIS WILSON

Face: CALIFORNIAN Body: SURFER Arms: DRUMMERESQUE Personality: CRAZY Distinguishing features: MUSICAL GENIUS Attainability: ZILCH (DEAD) If you want to know what summer sounds like, listen to Wilson’s heartbreakingly beautiful album ‘Pacific Ocean Blue’. Yes, OK, he was a paranoid coke-addicted … Continue reading

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ERIC BANA

Face: HITMAN Body: TROJAN Arms: ADONIS Personality: HILARIOUS Distinguishing features: MECHANICALLY MINDED Attainability: ZERO (HAPPILY MARRIED) Eric Bana is just so . . . fit. If you saw Troy, you’d know. His arms are like rock formations in the Grand … Continue reading

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