JON BERNTHAL

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Face: SEX-MONKEY
Body: PUNISHED
Arms: MARVELS
Personality: AMIABLE
Distinguishing features: NOSE LIKE A 1930s PIT FIGHTER
Attainability: NUH-UH

Look, what can I tell ya? I’m a sucker for a big-nosed brunette and you long term readers know my Spidey-sense patterns by now. I’m not going to apologise, am I. There’s a certain perverse thrill that can only be derived from lusting over a man who looks like he’d beat the living fucking shit out of any creep who even dared to raise their hand to honk that horn at you. Bernthal epitomises that look in all the best possible ways: there are the tightly compacted pecs, clenched in perpetually expectant Grand Theft Auto fight mode; the undulating cheekbones so deftly hewn from solid granite; the inexplicably Charles M. Schulz-like squiggle of a brow, and – yes – the leonine nose, proudly residing centre stage like a Mufasa-mirrored divinity. For somebody who freely inhabits ethnically ambiguous roles onscreen with sheer abandon, JB has an oddly Dylan McDermott-esque normalcy to him IRL. I mean, shiiit; I’ll take that too. Growl at me, Jon.

(For Mellors. Xx)

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DAVID HARBOUR

Hello. Firstly, I’d like to say something to you all. It’s obviously no secret that this blog is defiantly tongue in cheek, but I am staunchly feminist and stand in constant, unwavering solidarity with the women all over the world who have been brave enough to report the sexual harassments they have been unfortunate enough to experience. Recently, some of the stories being told have implicated various men who I have previously featured on this blog. As I believe all of these women without a doubt, I have removed (and will continue to remove) any men who are outed as complete fucking arseholes. I’m sure you can understand. Xoxo

Anyway…..here goes. Normal service resumed.

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Face: THE KINDLY MECHANIC WHO HELPED YOU WHEN YOU FELL OFF YOUR BIKE WHEN YOU WERE EIGHT
Body: REASSURING
Arms: HELL, BOY! DEY BIG
Personality: THANKFULLY DECENT
Distinguishing features: HUGE ENORMOUS HUGS
Attainability: DUNNO

So; the world is shit, all politics is shit, men are seemingly mainly all shit, and the weather is mental, yet still she persisted. This universe feels like a desperately depressing place at times. To seek comfort in an amber hued 1980s nostalgia is absolutely a recommendation that you could all follow, and if you did you may well be rewarded. Towering above his teenage costars and the diminutive (yet mighty) Winona Ryder is a man whose presence onscreen is akin to being wrapped in a sleeping bag made of hugs and sweetly smelling cat belly-fur. David Harbour is who you want around you when all the dark shadows malevolently swirl and shift in their Weinsteinesque forms, threatening your emotional wellbeing and your sexual safety. He is an eloquent, self-deprecating, politically astute, kind, massive man – hopefully one of the good ones or so help me fucking god – and he’s got your back. More like this please, less like Spacey.

(For Hannah, Gail, and many more! Xx)

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JIMMY KIMMEL

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Face: DILF
Body: SHRINKING
Arms: BLESSED BE THY NAME
Personality: PARADOXICAL
Distinguishing features: SMART AS A WHIP
Attainability: MARRIED, UGH

In this deeply unsettling age, where an obese, corrupt, genetically idiotic television star has become the president of the United States of America, it has fallen to the late night talk show hosts of the nation (rather than the US politicians) to engage or console the American people with or from the daily catastrophic news stories. Leading the charge is Mr Kimmel, a funny yet politicised force to be reckoned with. Along with Trevor Noah and Samantha Bee, he has shown more stately grace, kindness and rightly summoned fury than Congress has – let’s not even bother mentioning the embarrassing sack of actual shit that is Donald J. Trump. Dimpled of cheek and with an eye twinkle that could stun a buffalo, Kimmel has always been somewhat of a favourite of mine. Newly trim, he now rivals most of his guests in terms of sheer handsomeness; yet, it’s his emotionally charged show intros that touch on the most sensitive of topics which ensure his longevity in the hallowed pages of WOULD. Thank you for speaking, Jimmy.

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TAIKA WAITITI

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Face: PHWOAR: RAGNAROK
Body: HIPSTER COFFEE BARISTA
Arms: SMEAGOL VS. SHARK
Personality: WIT-A-RAMA
Distinguishing features: ASCENDING STARDOM
Attainability: MARRIED

He writes, he acts, he directs, he’s funny, he looks like that, and he seems like a good egg – so, what’s the catch then? Well . . . I haven’t found one. I’ve looked, as well. I’ve really fucking looked. It’s literally all I’ve done for, like, six weeks (work is pretty slow atm, OK). If you like your men silvering at the temple – which I do, very much so – Taika here is an excellent specimen. With that beautiful Maori skin and slender-yet-athletic frame, he cuts an exceedingly attractive dash. And, after indie success with Eagle Vs. Shark, Boy, and the wonderfully sweet Hunt for the Wilderpeople Taika is now ready for global domination with the recent release of Thor: Ragnarok, the latest in the highly lucrative Marvel Comics movie series. You know what else this means???? CLOSE PERSONAL MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDSHIPS WITH CHRIS HEMSWORTH AND MARK RUFFALO, AWWWWW YEAAAAAAH.

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ANDY MURRAY

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Face: HOT BEAVIS
Body: POWERHOUSE
Arms: LETHAL
Personality: NICELY WOKE
Distinguishing features: NEED WE DISCUSS THE GRAND SLAM TITLES?
Attainability: NOPE

No fanfare, no virtue signalling, no big deal: just a simple correction of the facts is all it takes. Murray, as well as being one of the most successful British male tennis players of all time, is also a master at confidently halting sexism in sports journalism whenever he encounters it. We’ve seen this on multiple occasions. It just keeps getting hotter and hotter to watch. Brought up by his quite frankly remarkable mother, Judy, to be a strong, ultra-focussed athlete, Sir Andy has stayed true to himself at every step of his career. He is not a performing monkey – he’s a fucking brilliant sportsperson who refuses to entertain any moronic diminishing of his fellow sportspeople, especially those women who have trained, and sweated, and studied, and refined, and sweated, and cried, and fallen, and risen, and sweated, and WON. Keep on doing what you’re doing Andy; it’s helping to change more than you know.

(For Kim, Sian, Dan and Hemmo: GAME, SET & MATCH. Xxx)

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JOHN F. KENNEDY JNR

 

611729Face: CINEMATIC
Body: SANS PAREIL
Arms: POLITICAL HEAVYWEIGHTS
Personality: LIMELIGHT LOVER
Distinguishing features: LUPINE SMILE
Attainability: GIRL HE DEAD

Despite the ease with which he navigated the Martha’s Vineyard summer sartorial hurdles, I never bought into the whole ‘JFK Snr was the most handsome guy/president ever omg!!!’ – he fucking wasn’t. He looked like one of The Osmonds, and not even the semi-adorable Donny. JFK was more like one of the slightly inbred looking lesser Osmonds; and the only reason he looked vaguely attractive is because his peers were Lyndon B. Johnson and Richard fucking Nixon. Please don’t @ me about this topic, just accept that I’m right as usual. Anyhoo, his son, JFK Jnr, owner of the whitest teeth in American history, most definitely skipped the Kennedy scion cabbage face and ended up instead with a jawline hewn from celestial granite. Thankfully for us, he wasn’t shy and enjoyed basking in the glow of a billion paparazzi lenses. Please enjoy a quick Google search and cultivate some appreciation for his finely honed abs and perfectly distributed chest hair situation.

(For Rachel and Siobhan – both dicks but, y’know. Xx)

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ANTHONY JOSHUA

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Face: EARLY 90S VERSACE MODEL
Body: BEHEMOTHIC
Arms: MONDO
Personality: NICE LAD
Distinguishing features: MUTHAFUCKIN’ HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP!
Attainability: PROBABLY BALLS DEEP ALREADY BUT GIVE IT A GO

This colossus of a man is how I imagine one of the bouncers guarding the gateway of WOULD heaven to look. I envision it as being shirtless Anthony stood on the left, shirtless Chris Hemsworth in his Thor get-up on the right. Let me in immediately please gents, I need to give shirtless DJ Childish Gambino my record request: ‘Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi Ce Soir?’ lolllll. Okay, okay . . . . they can also be trouser-less too, I suppose. Fuck it: just make them starkers. It’s my fucking heaven, I’ll have it how I want it. Smashing his way to world heavyweight champion status last month, Anthony cemented his reputation as a badass athlete who works it like a winner yet maintains a gentlemanly conduct outside of the ring. Basically how I like all my men, KWIM? Let’s hope there are plenty more opportunities for some future pummelling.

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