Arms: PYTHONS SWALLOWING A COW
Personality: SUPER GENIAL
Distinguishing features: NEED WE GO THERE?
Attainability: HAPPY FAMILIES
If you’d have asked me fifteen years ago if I fancied this guy, I’d have been like ‘heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell no’. I mean, WTAF. But, there has been a seismic change. A shift so huge that it seems inconceivable. The Rock, the cheesiest of all the WWE wrestlers, has become . . . sexy. He’s honed a devastating combination of quick wit, notable intelligence, the ability to laugh at himself, perfect and dazzling teeth, an aura of kindness, and the overwhelming sense of sheer manly capability. Look at the size of his fucking arms! I’ve seen train carriages smaller than those! He could lift you out of a ginormous fire with basically no effort whatsoever. Plus, he isn’t scared to look like a massive tit just to make you laugh (see here). Showing Hollywood what a savvy businessman he is, he has built an empire in less than a decade and is now one of the industry’s highest earners. Paper, scissors, rock. Fuck YEAH.
P.S. Watch Ballers, it’s lolololl.
(For Mick, and all the other dudes who got love for the D-Dawg. Xx)
Body: FRIDAY NIGHT SIGHTS
Distinguishing features: TEEEEEEEEEEEETH
Attainability: NOT INTERESTED
If you’re into huge brown eyes like a chocolate fountain at a Glamour Magazine pink-themed christmas party sponsored by Echo Falls (it’s sooo totally what they’d do at Glamour, urgh) then you are in luck, compadres. Look at this kid! Chocolate eyes a go go! Plus, hello, check out those pearly whites. Someone knows how to floss… He’s young, he’s pretty, he’s still figuring out his deal on this planet; but he’s tackling the Hollywood white actor bias in a very cool way. He’s asked his agents to only send him scripts that were written for white characters, knowing that this is a fucking bullshit system and his acting should and would speak for itself. A case in point, his ace turn as The Human Torch in Fantastic Four. I hope he gets all of the roles, tbh. Naked.
Face: LUKE WILSON ON WALL STREET
Body: YOGA RETREAT
Distinguishing features: BEING INCRED
Attainability: HAPPILY MARRIED WITH KIDS
As much as I deeply enjoy coming from a country with a privately-educated Prime Minister who essentially hates the poor, the disabled, the elderly, all women, the disadvantaged and everybody with a mental illness; who resembles a pair of three denier tights filled with red marzipan; who favours a willing oral cavity of the porcine variety, and who is hellbent on dismantling one of the greatest global health institutions for the monetary gain of his equally repugnant counterparts – as much as I DEEPLY enjoy all of those things – the alternative of having a Prime Minister who is resolutely pro-choice with regards to abortion, is a proud feminist completely committed to gender equality (starting with his own ethnically diverse parliamentary cabinet), is already tackling the tax discrepancies between high and low earners, and is married to a women’s rights campaigner seems mildly preferable . . . I don’t know about you.
(For Katie P, and about 4 billion other women. Xxx)
Face: HOT NERD
Body: WEAPON OF CHOICE
Distinguishing features: IMAGINATION
With a list of exes that includes the girl crushes of every sane and sartorially forward-thinking woman (Sofia Coppola and Michelle Williams), Mr Jonze represents the type of lithe and ultra-focused polymath whose imagination recognises no boundaries. Almost every music video in the last twenty years that has stood out for being weird and brilliant and hilarious and dark: probably the work of Mr Jonze. As well as his vast experience in this field, Spike has directed numerous bizarre and beautifully crafted films including the 2013 masterpiece, Her. However, let’s not beat around the bush here, guys. Men like this are probably nightmare egoists who never stop working and dick around with video cameras all the time. Despite this, there is an intense focus that draws us in like the proverbial flies to pig shit we are. Pathetic, eh.
Face: AMERICAN POLITICS MAJOR AT BERKELEY
Body: GO GO DANCER AT TUNNEL
Arms: MAGIC MIKE XXS
Distinguishing features: CAN SING
Attainability: DUNNO, SOZ
My favourite thing about Mr Glover was that he was a writer on 30 Rock for three whole years. If he’s got Tina Fey’s vote then he’s got my fucking vote! Need you even ask?! So, we know that he’s funny, we know that he can sing, we know he was nominated for two Grammy awards for his last rap album, and we know that he is fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine as hell. Just don’t go to his parent’s house for dinner – his mum’s a Jehovah’s Witness and that has got to be the ultimate vibe killer. After his small but crucial role in Magic Mike XXL (seen it yet? It’s probably the best film ever made and is a love letter to feminism), this dude’s become more than a blip on woman-gay-kind’s radar. Let’s keep up the stalking, dear readers: I suspect he will go far…
Face: FORTY LOVE
Body: GAME, SET AND MATCH
Arms: VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK
Distinguishing features: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK…?
Attainability: TOO BUSY
Ah bummer, he’s just been knocked out of Wimbledon, BUT! We have the memories, dear perverts; we have the memories. At 6‘5“ tall with waist-length dreads (attention all Caucasian dudes: do not try and replicate this look under any circumstances. You don’t have afro hair and you won’t look like this. You’ll actually look like this), the statuesque Mr Brown is an exceedingly enticing sight on the tennis courts of the world. Once again illustrating how many physically massive and borderline illegally attractive men there are in Germany, Dustin here has captured the heart of many a newly minted tennis “fan” this season. Two things he needs to up his game on: 1) Choice of accessories: The tendency to wear a dire beaded choker is a massive boner killer. 2) Winning. We need to see more of him, for longer.
(For Siobhan and Helen, who know a true athlete when they see one… Xx)
Face: JESUS FASSBENDER
Personality: THE IDEAL HUSBAND
Distinguishing features: WORDSMITH
Attainability: MARRIED TO A COOL CHICK
Several years ago, in my pursuit of Scandinavian aural transcendence, I went to a music festival in Gothenburg. Fleet Foxes were one of the headline acts that year, and while their dreamy jingle-jangles were appropriate enough a soundtrack for a sunset in a park, my lustful incantations at the sight of their drummer on the big screen most certainly were not. Reader, I think I actually bayed at the moon. This man was so composed, so elegant; yet was imbued with the essence of ROCK. After some careful internet stalking, I discovered that the familiar man was J Tillman, a musician and songwriter of some note whose albums had been forced upon me years earlier by a hippie Canadian colleague in the vegetarian whole food cooperative where we both worked at the time (yeah, I know – you can sack me off if you want). He’s once again solo, once again brilliant, and more beautiful than ever. Do your vagina a favour.
(For you, Lizzie. A tough week deserves some #metime fodder. Xxx)