Face: FORTY LOVE
Body: GAME, SET AND MATCH
Arms: VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK
Distinguishing features: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK…?
Attainability: TOO BUSY
Ah bummer, he’s just been knocked out of Wimbledon, BUT! We have the memories, dear perverts; we have the memories. At 6‘5“ tall with waist-length dreads (attention all Caucasian dudes: do not try and replicate this look under any circumstances. You don’t have afro hair and you won’t look like this. You’ll actually look like this), the statuesque Mr Brown is an exceedingly enticing sight on the tennis courts of the world. Once again illustrating how many physically massive and borderline illegally attractive men there are in Germany, Dustin here has captured the heart of many a newly minted tennis “fan” this season. Two things he needs to up his game on: 1) Choice of accessories: The tendency to wear a dire beaded choker is a massive boner killer. 2) Winning. We need to see more of him, for longer.
(For Siobhan and Helen, who know a true athlete when they see one… Xx)
Face: JESUS FASSBENDER
Personality: THE IDEAL HUSBAND
Distinguishing features: WORDSMITH
Attainability: MARRIED TO A COOL CHICK
Several years ago, in my pursuit of Scandinavian aural transcendence, I went to a music festival in Gothenburg. Fleet Foxes were one of the headline acts that year, and while their dreamy jingle-jangles were appropriate enough a soundtrack for a sunset in a park, my lustful incantations at the sight of their drummer on the big screen most certainly were not. Reader, I think I actually bayed at the moon. This man was so composed, so elegant; yet was imbued with the essence of ROCK. After some careful internet stalking, I discovered that the familiar man was J Tillman, a musician and songwriter of some note whose albums had been forced upon me years earlier by a hippie Canadian colleague in the vegetarian whole food cooperative where we both worked at the time (yeah, I know – you can sack me off if you want). He’s once again solo, once again brilliant, and more beautiful than ever. Do your vagina a favour.
(For you, Lizzie. A tough week deserves some #metime fodder. Xxx)
Personality: TELLERS IT LIKE IT IS
Distinguishing features: LOTS OF SCARS, PHWOAR
Attainability: DATING A MEGABABE
Hiyaaaa! Remember me? Yeah, I’m back! Soz about the wait for a new post. I’m hella busy, so please fuck off. But look at what we’ve got here: a young buck in the prime of his life. A John Cusack for Generation Y with the talent, drive, and charisma to match. Never tell me that I don’t know what you want, guys. So, what do we do here? We take the original Cusack and throw him around a bit via a near-fatal car accident. Voila! Scars! Fit. Awesome, what’s next? Oh, he saves a heavily pregnant woman from drowning in a riptide? Yep, we’ll take that too. Next up, he gets cast in about eight amazing roles at once, including playing Mister Fantastic in the new Fantastic Four effort – YES MATE. I think that’s enough for now. I don’t want to overwhelm you all, tbh.
(For Sian – who loves a bit of whipping and lashing herself. Xxx)
Face: DENNIS WILSON ON THE PIES
Body: GRIZZLY BEAR
Personality: AS YOU’D EXPECT
Distinguishing features: EYE TWINKLE LIKE WHUT
Attainability: MARRIED WITH KIDZ
I know, I know – Don Draper is a dreamboat; but he’s an absolute shitbag with the ladies, let’s face it. I saved almost all of my lust for the hirsute and heavyset Stan Rizzo. Starting in the show as a be-quiffed and clean-shaven Average Joe, he has steadily metamorphosised into a cross between Alan Bates and Zach Galifianakis via Aiden from Sex and the City‘s wardrobe. I like to imagine that I could lounge around drinking hard liquor and talking about art with Stan, and given that he is essentially a fatter version of my actual boyfriend this is a lot easier than you might expect. A barrel chest combined with voluminous, silky, cascading, follicular magnificence? Who wouldn’t want to have a sniff of that testosterone?
(For all my babes: you know who you are. Xx)
Face: OH WHAT A GUY
Arms: FAST AND FURIOUS
Distinguishing features: CRACKING VOICE
Attainability: LOOKING GOOD
So yeah; megafit, obvs. But know what the best fucking thing is about Luke Evans is? He will soon be playing the dastardly, narcissistic Gaston in the live-action version of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast!! Unless you’re some sort of moron, you’ll know that this is the BEST Disney film with the BEST songs and the BEST characters and the BEST character is Gaston and he has the BEST songs. It’s so exciting! Aside from this, Evans has also played the BEST musketeer (Aramis) and the BEST god (Zeus). I think we can pretty much all agree on his bestness. Welsh, openly gay (yay!), and – bizarrely – an ex-Jehovah’s Witness, Mr Evans has dazzled Hollywood over the last few years. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of his chiselled grid.
Body: GAME OF WOAAAAAHS
Arms: DIET COKE BREAK
Distinguishing features: ERIC BANA-ESQUE VIBES
Attainability: MARRIED. SO NO
Obviously everybody who isn’t a complete fuckwit knows that Game of Thrones has the best babes in it. This one actually managed to snare Khaleesi – they even binned off the original actor who played his character because he suuuuuuuucked and also looked like something out of Gladiators in 1994 (probably called something shit like ‘Eagle’), and also he replaced Jason Statham in some film about guns. But whevs. Huisman came in and basically bossed it. No wonder Daenerys Targaryen went “fuck it, I’ma get me some of that”. A touch of Eric Bana, a smidgen of Michael Hutchence, and the weirdly compelling aura of David Ginola at his peak mean that this Dutch beauty is 100% compiled of fitness. Look out for him in Treme, Orphan Black, and various softcore porn sites too. I know I do.
(Happy birthday Kerry! Xx)
Body: DOUBLE HELPINGS
Distinguishing features: WEARY TWINKLE
Attainability: HAPPILY MARRIED
If you’ve been watching Bloodline on Netflix then you’ll know where I’m coming from with this one. The human male equivalent of a favourite, sun-warmed, linen shirt, Kyle Chandler exudes the type of gentle masculinity that’s like catnip to me. He’s big, and kind of heavy, and silvering around the temples; his confidently understated sex appeal being emitted in an unwavering pulse. There’s something to be said for the type of guy who can commit to the same woman for twenty years and counting, who volunteers as a fire fighter, and who campaigns against the barbaric practice of shark finning with his teenage daughter. Basically, he’s a complete dude, and a nice one at that. Get the fuck iiiiiiiin.
(Lesley – happy birthday, my angel! Sian & Gail, pour vous aussi xxx)