Arms: BLESSED BE THY NAME
Distinguishing features: SMART AS A WHIP
Attainability: MARRIED, UGH
In this deeply unsettling age, where an obese, corrupt, genetically idiotic television star has become the president of the United States of America, it has fallen to the late night talk show hosts of the nation (rather than the US politicians) to engage or console the American people with or from the daily catastrophic news stories. Leading the charge is Mr Kimmel, a funny yet politicised force to be reckoned with. Along with Trevor Noah and Samantha Bee, he has shown more stately grace, kindness and rightly summoned fury than Congress has – let’s not even bother mentioning the embarrassing sack of actual shit that is Donald J. Trump. Dimpled of cheek and with an eye twinkle that could stun a buffalo, Kimmel has always been somewhat of a favourite of mine. Newly trim, he now rivals most of his guests in terms of sheer handsomeness; yet, it’s his emotionally charged show intros that touch on the most sensitive of topics which ensure his longevity in the hallowed pages of WOULD. Thank you for speaking, Jimmy.
Face: PHWOAR: RAGNAROK
Body: HIPSTER COFFEE BARISTA
Arms: SMEAGOL VS. SHARK
Distinguishing features: ASCENDING STARDOM
He writes, he acts, he directs, he’s funny, he looks like that, and he seems like a good egg – so, what’s the catch then? Well . . . I haven’t found one. I’ve looked, as well. I’ve really fucking looked. It’s literally all I’ve done for, like, six weeks (work is pretty slow atm, OK). If you like your men silvering at the temple – which I do, very much so – Taika here is an excellent specimen. With that beautiful Maori skin and slender-yet-athletic frame, he cuts an exceedingly attractive dash. And, after indie success with Eagle Vs. Shark, Boy, and the wonderfully sweet Hunt for the Wilderpeople Taika is now ready for global domination with the recent release of Thor: Ragnarok, the latest in the highly lucrative Marvel Comics movie series. You know what else this means???? CLOSE PERSONAL MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDSHIPS WITH CHRIS HEMSWORTH AND MARK RUFFALO, AWWWWW YEAAAAAAH.
Face: HOT BEAVIS
Personality: NICELY WOKE
Distinguishing features: NEED WE DISCUSS THE GRAND SLAM TITLES?
No fanfare, no virtue signalling, no big deal: just a simple correction of the facts is all it takes. Murray, as well as being one of the most successful British male tennis players of all time, is also a master at confidently halting sexism in sports journalism whenever he encounters it. We’ve seen this on multiple occasions. It just keeps getting hotter and hotter to watch. Brought up by his quite frankly remarkable mother, Judy, to be a strong, ultra-focussed athlete, Sir Andy has stayed true to himself at every step of his career. He is not a performing monkey – he’s a fucking brilliant sportsperson who refuses to entertain any moronic diminishing of his fellow sportspeople, especially those women who have trained, and sweated, and studied, and refined, and sweated, and cried, and fallen, and risen, and sweated, and WON. Keep on doing what you’re doing Andy; it’s helping to change more than you know.
(For Kim, Sian, Dan and Hemmo: GAME, SET & MATCH. Xxx)
Body: SANS PAREIL
Arms: POLITICAL HEAVYWEIGHTS
Personality: LIMELIGHT LOVER
Distinguishing features: LUPINE SMILE
Attainability: GIRL HE DEAD
Despite the ease with which he navigated the Martha’s Vineyard summer sartorial hurdles, I never bought into the whole ‘JFK Snr was the most handsome guy/president ever omg!!!’ – he fucking wasn’t. He looked like one of The Osmonds, and not even the semi-adorable Donny. JFK was more like one of the slightly inbred looking lesser Osmonds; and the only reason he looked vaguely attractive is because his peers were Lyndon B. Johnson and Richard fucking Nixon. Please don’t @ me about this topic, just accept that I’m right as usual. Anyhoo, his son, JFK Jnr, owner of the whitest teeth in American history, most definitely skipped the Kennedy scion cabbage face and ended up instead with a jawline hewn from celestial granite. Thankfully for us, he wasn’t shy and enjoyed basking in the glow of a billion paparazzi lenses. Please enjoy a quick Google search and cultivate some appreciation for his finely honed abs and perfectly distributed chest hair situation.
(For Rachel and Siobhan – both dicks but, y’know. Xx)
Face: EARLY 90S VERSACE MODEL
Personality: NICE LAD
Distinguishing features: MUTHAFUCKIN’ HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP!
Attainability: PROBABLY BALLS DEEP ALREADY BUT GIVE IT A GO
This colossus of a man is how I imagine one of the bouncers guarding the gateway of WOULD heaven to look. I envision it as being shirtless Anthony stood on the left, shirtless Chris Hemsworth in his Thor get-up on the right. Let me in immediately please gents, I need to give shirtless DJ Childish Gambino my record request: ‘Voulez Vous Coucher Avec Moi Ce Soir?’ lolllll. Okay, okay . . . . they can also be trouser-less too, I suppose. Fuck it: just make them starkers. It’s my fucking heaven, I’ll have it how I want it. Smashing his way to world heavyweight champion status last month, Anthony cemented his reputation as a badass athlete who works it like a winner yet maintains a gentlemanly conduct outside of the ring. Basically how I like all my men, KWIM? Let’s hope there are plenty more opportunities for some future pummelling.
Face: A LIFE WELL LIVED
Body: LEAN CUISINE
Arms: PARTS UNKNOWN
Distinguishing features: EXCELLENT IN THE KITCHEN
Attainability: NO RESERVATIONS
Liberally peppering one’s vernacular with obscenities is something that flows fairly effortlessly for me, given that I grew up in Essex and am half Australian, half Scouser. Bourdain, too, is a tad handy with the execrations, being from New York and all; but this merely serves to heighten the ideological bond that I feel he and I share. Effing and blinding your way through life is an extraordinarily satisfactory way to live. Try it, you might like it! When coupled with the type of lean, rangy, elegant frame that would look excellent in a well-tailored suit (if he could ever be arsed to wear one), his predilection for profanities renders him deliciously paradoxical. He is an astute social commentator, and his willingness to just-get-stuck-in (wherever he happens to be) bodes well when it comes to his willingness in other areas, if you catch my drift. Of course you do. Reader, never underestimate the allure of a man who will try anything at least once. Oh, and he’s six foot four.
(For more ladies than I know where to start with. Kerry, you’re one of ’em. Xx)
Face: CALIFORNIAN CONQUEROR
Body: DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT
Distinguishing features: THE ONLY WAY IS UP
Attainability: ZERO CHANCE
He’s been on the list since I first saw him in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (and then more recently in House of Cards), but then I dicked around and I dicked around and I dicked around, and now it looks like I’m jumping on the Oscars bandwagon but I’M FUCKING NOT I SWEAR. Honestly, how could I have ever disregarded that bone structure? You know me, guys. You know I’m like a fucking traction beam for male beauty. So, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s get down to the real purpose of this post: objectifying this man. Deeply attractive, Mahershala has the physical bearing of a professional athlete – that ramrod straight back, those acutely defined shoulders. His face, neither subscribing to insipid notions of bland, prescriptive handsomeness nor seeming to care about that at all, oscillates wildly between brooding ferocity and spontaneous guilelessness – the latter always accompanied by an unintentionally disarming smile that one feels deeply in one’s reproductive area. I think we can all agree that he is most definitely Mahershala-ing our emotions, amirite?! And congrats on the Oscar, babes.
(For lovely Sophie! Xx)