Face: A LIFE WELL LIVED
Body: LEAN CUISINE
Arms: PARTS UNKNOWN
Distinguishing features: EXCELLENT IN THE KITCHEN
Attainability: NO RESERVATIONS
Liberally peppering one’s vernacular with obscenities is something that flows fairly effortlessly for me, given that I grew up in Essex and am half Australian, half Scouser. Bourdain, too, is a tad handy with the execrations, being from New York and all; but this merely serves to heighten the ideological bond that I feel he and I share. Effing and blinding your way through life is an extraordinarily satisfactory way to live. Try it, you might like it! When coupled with the type of lean, rangy, elegant frame that would look excellent in a well-tailored suit (if he could ever be arsed to wear one), his predilection for profanities renders him deliciously paradoxical. He is an astute social commentator, and his willingness to just-get-stuck-in (wherever he happens to be) bodes well when it comes to his willingness in other areas, if you catch my drift. Of course you do. Reader, never underestimate the allure of a man who will try anything at least once. Oh, and he’s six foot four.
(For more ladies than I know where to start with. Kerry, you’re one of ’em. Xx)
Face: CALIFORNIAN CONQUEROR
Body: DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT
Distinguishing features: THE ONLY WAY IS UP
Attainability: ZERO CHANCE
He’s been on the list since I first saw him in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (and then more recently in House of Cards), but then I dicked around and I dicked around and I dicked around, and now it looks like I’m jumping on the Oscars bandwagon but I’M FUCKING NOT I SWEAR. Honestly, how could I have ever disregarded that bone structure? You know me, guys. You know I’m like a fucking traction beam for male beauty. So, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s get down to the real purpose of this post: objectifying this man. Deeply attractive, Mahershala has the physical bearing of a professional athlete – that ramrod straight back, those acutely defined shoulders. His face, neither subscribing to insipid notions of bland, prescriptive handsomeness nor seeming to care about that at all, oscillates wildly between brooding ferocity and spontaneous guilelessness – the latter always accompanied by an unintentionally disarming smile that one feels deeply in one’s reproductive area. I think we can all agree that he is most definitely Mahershala-ing our emotions, amirite?! And congrats on the Oscar, babes.
(For lovely Sophie! Xx)
Face: BURT REYNOLDS & PETER DINKLAGE’S LOVECHILD
Body: HIRSUTISM IS A WAY OF LIFE
Arms: NOT CATASTROPHIC
Distinguishing features: FEMINIST ALLY
Rob Delaney, along with Alan Alda, Stuart Hall, Justin Trudeau and Mark Ruffalo, is a good example of how working with women can bring you enormous professional and personal benefits. What they seem to understand is that by supporting and deciphering women, they are in no way diminishing themselves or their capabilities; they are forming strong alliances in which mutual support is the key to keeping them ticking along. Truly being equal means opening yourself up to the struggles of others, and listening to them rather than making the interaction about yourself and your own struggles. And as a straight, white, American male, Rob understands that he has it pretty good to start with. That’s why he can champion phenomenally talented, smart, indomitable women like his extraordinary co-writer Sharon Horgan, or brilliant co-star Carrie Fisher, without feeling like the good lord gypped him. Also he is really hot.
(For Kimmy! And Lizzie and Sharmila too. Love you bellends. Xxx)
Face: CLASSIC HOLLYWOOD
Personality: LITERALLY AMAZING
Distinguishing features: INTEGRITY
Attainability: YOU WISH
Vice President Biden has been quite remarkable to observe over the last eight years. He is kind, and emotionally smart, and a loyal friend and ally to President Obama; but moreover he is just truly, truly decent. He has always been decent. His role as a father and grandfather is the most important thing to him, and he brought his young sons up alone after his wife and baby daughter were tragically killed in a car accident. Finding new happiness after five years of extreme loneliness following his wife’s death, Biden remarried and had another daughter. He and his second wife have now been married for over forty years. In an incredibly cruel twist of fate, his son Beau died of brain cancer at the age of forty six. Joe Biden has spoken so eloquently and honestly about these traumas, and has shown such obvious love and respect for his good friend Barack, that it can only be a truly positive example to all men and boys around the world. He is a strong LGBTQ supporter and collaborator, a proud feminist, a champion for human rights, an honest and emotional orator, and a fucking good man. We will miss you as Vice President, Joe.
(For Sharmila xxx)
Body: REVOLUTIONARY (ROAD)
Arms: LATE BLOOMERS
Personality: NOCTURNAL ANIMAL
Distinguishing features: THAT VOICE!
You want to, but you don’t know why you want to. That, dear reader, is the dichotomy of Shannon. At once terrifying and endlessly sexually alluring, Michael Shannon has stealthily risen from the ranks of niche bit-part character actor to scene-stealing créature dévastatrice. On his ascent, he has racked up a litany of arresting consummations; not least of all his truly incredible recent turn in Tom Ford’s distressing Nocturnal Animals as a consumptive Texan police detective. Resembling – as it does at the best of times – a mugshot of a serial killer from Wisconsin in 1932, his face is worryingly beguiling. Yet, there is a reassuring moral solidness to the man; he is resolute on the topic of parents who voted for Trump, for example: “Fuck ’em. You’re an orphan now. Don’t go home. Don’t go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Don’t talk to them at all. Silence speaks volumes.” I like him. I like his unwavering scowl. I like his weird top lip that’s bigger than his bottom lip. I just like him.
(Dedicated to his slightly more wholesome doppelgänger, Jeremy. And Kerry, and Katie: new fans. Xxx)
Face: GIMME GIMME (GIL)MORE
Body: SICILIAN BARMAN
Distinguishing features: CROOKED MOUTH
Attainability: LOOKS WIDE OPEN YO
If part of you has always thought “this is what Sylvester Stallone would look like if he was unbelievably hot”, then you’re basically on the exact same thought trajectory as me. Hey, we should be friends! How vindicated I felt, then, when Milo here was cast as Rocky’s son in Rocky Balboa, the sixth installment of the seminal boxing movie series which is basically the best movie series ever with Rocky IV being the ultimate best movie within the series don’t @ me plz. As Gilmore Girl‘s surly Jess, Mr Ventimiglia captured the desirous hearts of every fervent viewer; mainly because Dean was a fucking wetwipe and Logan was undoubtedly a Republican douche who probably watched Ashton Kutcher’s Punk’d. Feisty, bratty, a little bit dangerous, a whole lot sexy and definitely incalculably mesmeric, Jess was almost the second coming of Jordan Catalano himself. As a teetotal skateboarding vegetarian, you might imagine that Milo V has the potential to be on the dull side; but do you even CARE bro?
(For Mhairi, Ellie, Gail, Oisin, Greg & millions more. Xx)
(P.S. GILMORE GIRLS IS BACK FOR A SPECIAL NETFLIX SHOW ON NOVEMBER 25TH!!!!!!!!)
Face: POSITIVELY EMBRYONIC
Body: POSITIVELY BYRONIC
Arms: POSITIVELY BIONIC
Personality: SUUUUUPER NICE
Distinguishing features: ACTUAL OLYMPIAN
Some stats just to help you get into the zone: he’s won gold medals at the Commonwealth Games, World Championships, European Championships, and of course the Olympics. That’s hella gold. He could melt those babies down and make you a fucking nice C-3PO costume. As well as this, he’s probably the nicest guy in the world and I’ve met Michael Palin, so… As we know, dear readers, being nice and kind is one of the key traits that’ll get you WOULDed, along with…you know* (*penis). He is intelligent, decent, and principled, notably raising concern and threatening to pull out of Sports Personality of the Year last year due to the homophobic and misogynistic bile spewed by professional cunt, Tyson Fury; and he also has a really sound girlfriend who bravely stands up to toxic trolls and their constant rape threats (yes – the world is so nice, isn’t it). If you’d like to continue some “important research” on Greg he’s currently appearing on Strictly Come Dancing and wears a lot of spandex, which helps with the (penis) bit quite a lot.
(For the Allens – you enjoyed that day at the farm so much. Xx)