DAN STEVENS

Screen Shot 2015-03-01 at 11.10.40 AMFace: THAT GUY FROM UNI WHO SUDDENLY GOT FIT
Body: SHRINKING
Arms: EX-DOWNTON FLABBY
Personality: GENTLEMAN
Distinguishing features: CERULEAN EYES
Attainability: MARRIED FFS

Some guys are well better when they’re a little bit heavier, but some lose about two stone and all of a sudden are in a whole new league (see also, Calvin Harris). Sorry, Dan mate, but you’re the latter. Well, why should I be sorry? You know as well as I do that trimming up a bit and getting a decent haircut has increased your chances of starring in a film opposite Jennifer Lawrence by about 300%. Although I didn’t watch Downton that much because it had loads of Tories in it (probably) and also I was too busy working and going out raving with male models, I did catch a few choice episodes and I’ll tell you this for now – I would have WOULDed you when you were a bit chubbier, too. But I forgot. So, now I look like a fairweather stalker, don’t I. Ah well, I sure look forward to seeing you morph into our nation’s version of Ryan Gosling. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease do a Drive.

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MARK RYLANCE

British actor Rylance arrives to attend the 2010 Laurence Olivier Awards in central LondonFace: IF COLIN FARRELL WERE FITTER
Body: SLINKY LUPINE
Arms: EXPRESSIVE
Personality: THESP
Distinguishing features: BEST STAGE ACTOR EVER?
Attainability: BEEN MARRIED FOR AGES

Chances are, if you’ve seen any plays worth seeing in the last twenty years, Mark Rylance has been in at least a couple of them. Simply put, he is just phenomenal on stage. His presence and simmering passion is sight to behold, let alone how he makes one actually fucking feel. Although he has popped up in various TV offerings over the years, it’s only recently that he’s done a bit of a Cranston and is suddenly appearing everywhere. Currently, you can observe him as Cromwell in Wolf Hall, but the BEST news is that Roald Dahl’s beloved The BFG is being made into a movie by Steven Spielberg, and Mr Rylance has been cast as the eponymous benevolent behemoth. A sigh of relief all round, then. Crinkly-eyed and snaggle-toothed, Rylance’s sexual appeal is at once startlingly obvious yet subtly applied; but I know that you’ll agree that his charisma is overwhelming. Mega WOULD.

(Nick! Pour vous… Xx)

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ED WESTWICK

Screencaptures-from-Ed-Westwick-video-for-August-Man-Malaysia-ed-westwick-35713593-1022-575Face: UPPER EAST SNIDE
Body: RESTRICTED
Arms: BASS LINES
Personality: CHUCKLEVISION
Distinguishing features: GRANITE JAW
Attainability: WELL HE IS FROM STEVENAGE…

Yeaaaaaaaaah, I know all a y’all been waiting for bare time for this one. And I am never one to disappoint – aside from that one time I told my mate I was going to go to Blackpool with her but then bailed and hid in my house until she stopped knocking. Anyhoo, Ed Westwick, despite playing a very convincing American, is actually English and from the thriving metropolis that is . . . Stevenage. So you can understand why he left for Hollywood, right? Possessing a jawline that was verily hewn from a hefty slab of rock, brows as straight as arrows, and the eyes of a majestic giant eagle, Eddie has the regal bearing of a Navajo warrior; yet the reassuringly middle-class brawn of a true Hertfordshire lad. Chuck Bass is a sexually deviant, morally dubious, billionaire hedonist – basically the dream. Gossip Girl may be over, but our dreams are not. Long live Chuck!

(For Vivienne – HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And Mhairi, and Gail… xxx)

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PENN BADGLEY

PENN-penn-badgley-22941679-691-849Face: EARNEST COFFEE SHOP BARISTA
Body: SURPRISINGLY MANLY
Arms: BUFF TINGS
Personality: CHILL
Distinguishing features: EYES LIKE AN ABANDONED PUPPY
Attainability: GOOD?

There’s just something about kind brown eyes and tousled dark curls that makes me feel all warm inside. Which is good news, seeing as that description essentially matches my boyfriend. If you aren’t fortunate or attractive enough or are too neurotic to have a boyfriend of your own, then you can make do with Penn Badgley, here. Best known for his role as the witty, Upper East Side outsider-slash-writer Dan Humphrey in Gossip Girl, Badgley has dated some seriously hot babes IRL including former co-star Blake Lively, and Zoe Kravitz (before she started bumping uglies with Michael Fassbender, I assume). If you like your fake teenagers brimming with charm and with cheekbones like Toblerone, then Penn is the guy pour vous.

(For Vivienne – another one crossed off your list…..keep dreaming re: Ryan. Xx)

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ARMIE HAMMER

Armie-Hammer-and-dogFace: PRINCE CH-ARMIE-NG
Body: ALMOST 6’5″ OF GOLDEN SKINNED FLESH
Arms: YALE SWIM CAPTAIN
Personality: SEEMS LOVELY
Distinguishing features: SKIN LIKE WHUT
Attainability: NAH, MARRIED

How ace was it in The Social Network when the powers of CGI created TWO Armie Hammers to play the buff Winklevoss twins?! Pretty damn great. Because if you like your men to resemble Ivy League beefcakes with one eye on Wall Street then you are in luck. Hammer is one of those dudes that is just too clean, too tall, too perfect, too nice, too rich and too Disney. But when you see past all of these countless flaws, you start to imagine the sexual deviancy that lies within – did you know that his great great grandfather allegedly founded the Communist Party in NYC?! There is political fervour running through these veins, I’m telling you… Saying that, his own father sounds like a mega religious Christian nausebag so there could be a downside after all. Just don’t go there for Christmas, yeah.

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JON FAVREAU

jon_aFace: SWEET POTATO
Body: IRON MAN
Arms: HULKING
Personality: BLOODY NICE FELLA
Distinguishing features: GENTLE WIT
Attainability: MAZZAD

Look, he directed Elf - is that festive enough for ya?! Imagine what a laugh they had on set; I bet it was brilliant. I used to crush on him haaaaaaaard as Monica’s UFC obsessed boyfriend in Friends. As well as this, he excelled in the seminal Swingers; was wonderful in the underrated Love & Sex, and recently made one of the loveliest films of recent years: Chef. He wrote, directed, produced and starred in this little gem of a feel-good movie, supported by a mega cast including Sofia Vergara, Scarlett Johansson, Dustin Hoffman and Jon Leguizamo. Favreau just sees like a really, really nice man – a decent family guy who is hilarious and humble. To me, these are truly majestic qualities. PLUS HE DIRECTED ELF OK, YOUR KIDS WOULD FUCKING LOVE HIM.

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JOEL KINNAMAN

90474426-joel-kinnaman

Face: SO SO SO SO SCANDILICIOUS
Body: HOLD THE FRIES
Arms: EASY RIDERS
Personality: LOL NOT ARSED MATE
Distinguishing features: ASCENDING STARDOM
Attainability: UNKNOWN

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the handsomest men in all the land come from the Scandinavian, sub-Saharan, Antipodean, and South Pacific regions of our fine planet. Google it if you want some fucking proof, yeah. This fine young gentleman is a product of the first: a Swedish babetron of the highest order. He’s half American, but don’t hold this against him. Some of the finest WOULDs are from that neck of the woods. Star of the American version of The Killing and many other Swedish offerings, Mr Kinnaman is a highly ambitious fella. So, chances are he’ll be gracing your grubby little screens for some time to come. Embrace this opportunity.

(For Beth, ultimate style dude. Xx)

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