Face: YEARS & YEARS…….YOUNGER THAN ME😦
Body: TEEN DREAM
Distinguishing features: THOSE EYES
Attainability: COULD BE SINGLE…?
How do you like your pop stars? Intelligent with a side of extra cwuuuute? Reader, I hear you. Mr Alexander is not only a talented lil’ bunny whose band Years & Years have released some of the best pop songs of the last couple of years, he’s also a complete dude who speaks eloquently about all sorts of topics from the importance of mental health awareness, to standing up to bullying, to calling out the sexist bullshit that diminishes teenage girls as important drivers of the music industry. In short, he’s a very modern sort of sparky pop star with the vocal goods to back it up. I’ve also seen photos of him with his cat that looks really similar to mine, so….bonus. Now, the only problem is that he makes me feel fucking ANCIENT; a wizened crone akin to Zelda from Terrahawks after some sort of meth rampage. Ha! As if. I’m so fucking attractive, you guys, seriously.
Face: ANGEL BABY LESBIAN
Body: WORK IN PROGRESS
Arms: NEVER SAY NEVER
Personality: ON THE UP
Distinguishing features: GOT ALL THE BEST GANJA
Attainability: WIDE OPEN, Y’ALL!
Listen to me; you might not think you want this right now, but very soon you will and just remember who was here for you. I was once like you. I was once a non-Belieber. I saw the light. Come on over to the bright side, everybody. Join me! You’ll never look back. The chocolate drop eyes will get you even if the Rubik’s Cube skills don’t. Look at that little face. He’s the most beautiful boy. He just wants to be loved – who doesn’t? He just wants to smoke weed with his monkey and have sex with Brazilian escorts and vandalise hotel rooms and be cute on TV shows and get in fights with Orlando Bloom and be loved – who doesn’t? You know you want to succumb. You know you want to follow this fluffy tail down the rabbit hole. You know you want to dive into these depths. You know you want to. Join us….join us. It feels so good.
Face: BURT REYNOLDS ON SPRING BREAK
Body: BONER-YN MARTELL
Arms: GAME OF WOAH-NS
Personality: TOP NOTCH
Distinguishing features: BIG PEÑA
Attainability: LOOKS PRETTY GOOD GUYS
Picture the scene: you’re practically swimming in a giant mound of delicious, snowy white cocaine, the quality of which is unparalleled, the quantity is unlimited, and the high is so perfectly nuanced that literally nothing could make this situation any better. WRONG! You could get busted. Wait, hear me out… Of *course* the “going to jail” part would significantly get in the way of the chizz hoofing, but just lookee here at the fucking hot cop who is taking you dowwwwwwn. Whilst Narcos is sadly nowhere good as I had hoped it would be, the one thing the casting agent got absolutely spot on is hiring the first rate babestations who populate the line up. Pedro here has the sexual intensity of a caged panther on Viagra, also displayed to magnificent effect as the charismatic deviant Oberyn Martell in Game of Thrones. In short, he looks like he’d shag you on a table in full view of a towerblock of neighbours and you’d enjoy it even more than the cocaine extravaganza.
(For Mhairi, who loves a good Chilean sexual deviant every now and then. Xx)
Arms: PYTHONS SWALLOWING A COW
Personality: SUPER GENIAL
Distinguishing features: NEED WE GO THERE?
Attainability: HAPPY FAMILIES
If you’d have asked me fifteen years ago if I fancied this guy, I’d have been like ‘heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell no’. I mean, WTAF. But, there has been a seismic change. A shift so huge that it seems inconceivable. The Rock, the cheesiest of all the WWE wrestlers, has become . . . sexy. He’s honed a devastating combination of quick wit, notable intelligence, the ability to laugh at himself, perfect and dazzling teeth, an aura of kindness, and the overwhelming sense of sheer manly capability. Look at the size of his fucking arms! I’ve seen train carriages smaller than those! He could lift you out of a ginormous fire with basically no effort whatsoever. Plus, he isn’t scared to look like a massive tit just to make you laugh (see here). Showing Hollywood what a savvy businessman he is, he has built an empire in less than a decade and is now one of the industry’s highest earners. Paper, scissors, rock. Fuck YEAH.
P.S. Watch Ballers, it’s lolololl.
(For Mick, and all the other dudes who got love for the D-Dawg. Xx)
Body: FRIDAY NIGHT SIGHTS
Distinguishing features: TEEEEEEEEEEEETH
Attainability: NOT INTERESTED
If you’re into huge brown eyes like a chocolate fountain at a Glamour Magazine pink-themed christmas party sponsored by Echo Falls (it’s sooo totally what they’d do at Glamour, urgh) then you are in luck, compadres. Look at this kid! Chocolate eyes a go go! Plus, hello, check out those pearly whites. Someone knows how to floss… He’s young, he’s pretty, he’s still figuring out his deal on this planet; but he’s tackling the Hollywood white actor bias in a very cool way. He’s asked his agents to only send him scripts that were written for white characters, knowing that this is a fucking bullshit system and his acting should and would speak for itself. A case in point, his ace turn as The Human Torch in Fantastic Four. I hope he gets all of the roles, tbh. Naked.
Face: LUKE WILSON ON WALL STREET
Body: YOGA RETREAT
Distinguishing features: BEING INCRED
Attainability: HAPPILY MARRIED WITH KIDS
As much as I deeply enjoy coming from a country with a privately-educated Prime Minister who essentially hates the poor, the disabled, the elderly, all women, the disadvantaged and everybody with a mental illness; who resembles a pair of three denier tights filled with red marzipan; who favours a willing oral cavity of the porcine variety, and who is hellbent on dismantling one of the greatest global health institutions for the monetary gain of his equally repugnant counterparts – as much as I DEEPLY enjoy all of those things – the alternative of having a Prime Minister who is resolutely pro-choice with regards to abortion, is a proud feminist completely committed to gender equality (starting with his own ethnically diverse parliamentary cabinet), is already tackling the tax discrepancies between high and low earners, and is married to a women’s rights campaigner seems mildly preferable . . . I don’t know about you.
(For Katie P, and about 4 billion other women. Xxx)
Face: HOT NERD
Body: WEAPON OF CHOICE
Distinguishing features: IMAGINATION
With a list of exes that includes the girl crushes of every sane and sartorially forward-thinking woman (Sofia Coppola and Michelle Williams), Mr Jonze represents the type of lithe and ultra-focused polymath whose imagination recognises no boundaries. Almost every music video in the last twenty years that has stood out for being weird and brilliant and hilarious and dark: probably the work of Mr Jonze. As well as his vast experience in this field, Spike has directed numerous bizarre and beautifully crafted films including the 2013 masterpiece, Her. However, let’s not beat around the bush here, guys. Men like this are probably nightmare egoists who never stop working and dick around with video cameras all the time. Despite this, there is an intense focus that draws us in like the proverbial flies to pig shit we are. Pathetic, eh.