Face: DARK ANGEL
Arms: HEINZ SPAGHETTI
Distinguishing features: ASCENDING STAR
Attainability: SINGLEEEEEEEEEEEEE WOOO!
Every once in a while an actor appears – seemingly out of nowhere – whose talent is so exquisite, so heavenly, that you feel actual chills up your spine at the immediate understanding that they are going to end up being one of the hugest stars of their generation. For me, Timothée represents the type of budding hopefulness that we are all desperately craving to see right now. He’s smart, and kind, and eager to learn. He’s beautiful, but (crucially) not too beautiful, and he’s already choosing roles that have predetermined his legacy: his virtuoso, Oscar nominated performance in the sumptuously gorgeous Call Me By Your Name is so heartbreakingly perfect that I’m still thinking about it six months after first seeing the film. His shrewdness belies his callow youthfulness, and it’s no stretch whatsoever to predict that he’ll be appearing in some incredibly fine movies in the years to come. Also, in ten years time he is gonna be REALLY fucking sexual . . . and I cannot wait.
(For Sharmila: carry on, creepazoid. Xxx)
Distinguishing features: TENACITY OF A BLOODHOUND
Attainability: POSSIBLE BOYFRIEND?
Rapidly running out of fucking options for this blog, I thought long and hard about the men who are risking their careers or reputations in order to fight for the right for abused women to be heard. Given that there are approximately three of these men globally it wasn’t too difficult to focus on the consistently incredible Ronan Farrow, a man whose dogged and diligently researched expose on Harvey Weinstein in The New Yorker helped to topple the seemingly firmly cemented Hollywood House of Cards built on sexual abuse and rampant misogyny. A fiercely, frighteningly intelligent and audacious young man, Farrow has reported tenaciously on this topic for almost two years. In these perilous times for the media, he is a solid voice of conviction and a truly empathetic female ally. The fact that he looks like a sapphire-eyed cherub is merely a bonus. Hopefully, the careers of e.g. the repulsive Woody Allen and Roman Polanski will soon finally receive the death knell that they deserve. And when they do, we will have Ronan to thank for kicking away that first card.
Face: DEFTLY HEWN
Body: BIG (FOR YOUR BOOTS….AND HIS)
Distinguishing features: GRIMY
Attainability: MIGHT BE WORTH TWEETING HIM
Nothing brings me greater joy than knowing that there are fiercely intelligent, articulate, humble, kind, and fucking inspiring blokes like this to give the British youth something – anything – to cling on to in these desperately depressing days. Whilst Grime as a musical genre has almost entirely passed me by (I’m a white 37 year old woman, it’s not being made for the likes of me) it excites me to think that artists like Stormzy are vanguards of such a special tidal wave of creativity. Astute enough to recognise when his previously held opinions needed to evolve, he’s taken steps to learn, and listen, and learn some more. Politically vocal and a clear voice of reason for many, in my eyes Stormzy is a true modern day icon. He’s been on my list for a long, long time, but his genuinely altruistic act of kindness this week pushed him to the top. Long may he reign as the King of Grime.
Distinguishing features: NOSE LIKE A 1930s PIT FIGHTER
Look, what can I tell ya? I’m a sucker for a big-nosed brunette and you long term readers know my Spidey-sense patterns by now. I’m not going to apologise, am I. There’s a certain perverse thrill that can only be derived from lusting over a man who looks like he’d beat the living fucking shit out of any creep who even dared to raise their hand to honk that horn at you. Bernthal epitomises that look in all the best possible ways: there are the tightly compacted pecs, clenched in perpetually expectant Grand Theft Auto fight mode; the undulating cheekbones so expertly sculpted from solid granite; the inexplicably Charles M. Schulz-like squiggle of a brow, and – yes – the leonine nose, proudly residing centre stage like a Mufasa-mirrored divinity. For somebody who freely inhabits ethnically ambiguous roles onscreen with sheer abandon, JB has an oddly Dylan McDermott-esque normalcy to him IRL. I mean, shiiit; I’ll take that too. Growl at me, Jon.
(For Mellors. Xx)
Hello. Firstly, I’d like to say something to you all. It’s obviously no secret that this blog is defiantly tongue in cheek, but I am staunchly feminist and stand in constant, unwavering solidarity with the women all over the world who have been brave enough to report the sexual harassments they have been unfortunate enough to experience. Recently, some of the stories being told have implicated various men who I have previously featured on this blog. As I believe all of these women without a doubt, I have removed (and will continue to remove) any men who are outed as complete fucking arseholes. I’m sure you can understand. Xoxo
Anyway…..here goes. Normal service resumed.
Face: THE KINDLY MECHANIC WHO HELPED YOU WHEN YOU FELL OFF YOUR BIKE WHEN YOU WERE EIGHT
Arms: HELL, BOY! DEY BIG
Personality: THANKFULLY DECENT
Distinguishing features: HUGE ENORMOUS HUGS
So; the world is shit, all politics is shit, men are seemingly mainly all shit, and the weather is mental, yet still she persisted. This universe feels like a desperately depressing place at times. To seek comfort in an amber hued 1980s nostalgia is absolutely a recommendation that you could all follow, and if you did you may well be rewarded. Towering above his teenage costars and the diminutive (yet mighty) Winona Ryder is a man whose presence onscreen is akin to being wrapped in a sleeping bag made of hugs and sweetly smelling cat belly-fur. David Harbour is who you want around you when all the dark shadows malevolently swirl and shift in their Weinsteinesque forms, threatening your emotional wellbeing and your sexual safety. He is an eloquent, self-deprecating, politically astute, kind, massive man – hopefully one of the good ones or so help me fucking god – and he’s got your back. More like this please, less like Spacey.
(For Hannah, Gail, and many more! Xx)
Arms: BLESSED BE THY NAME
Distinguishing features: SMART AS A WHIP
Attainability: MARRIED, UGH
In this deeply unsettling age, where an obese, corrupt, genetically idiotic television star has become the president of the United States of America, it has fallen to the late night talk show hosts of the nation (rather than the US politicians) to engage or console the American people with or from the daily catastrophic news stories. Leading the charge is Mr Kimmel, a funny yet politicised force to be reckoned with. Along with Trevor Noah and Samantha Bee, he has shown more stately grace, kindness and rightly summoned fury than Congress has – let’s not even bother mentioning the embarrassing sack of actual shit that is Donald J. Trump. Dimpled of cheek and with an eye twinkle that could stun a buffalo, Kimmel has always been somewhat of a favourite of mine. Newly trim, he now rivals most of his guests in terms of sheer handsomeness; yet, it’s his emotionally charged show intros that touch on the most sensitive of topics which ensure his longevity in the hallowed pages of WOULD. Thank you for speaking, Jimmy.
Face: PHWOAR: RAGNAROK
Body: HIPSTER COFFEE BARISTA
Arms: SMEAGOL VS. SHARK
Distinguishing features: ASCENDING STARDOM
He writes, he acts, he directs, he’s funny, he looks like that, and he seems like a good egg – so, what’s the catch then? Well . . . I haven’t found one. I’ve looked, as well. I’ve really fucking looked. It’s literally all I’ve done for, like, six weeks (work is pretty slow atm, OK). If you like your men silvering at the temple – which I do, very much so – Taika here is an excellent specimen. With that beautiful Maori skin and slender-yet-athletic frame, he cuts an exceedingly attractive dash. And, after indie success with Eagle Vs. Shark, Boy, and the wonderfully sweet Hunt for the Wilderpeople Taika is now ready for global domination with the recent release of Thor: Ragnarok, the latest in the highly lucrative Marvel Comics movie series. You know what else this means???? CLOSE PERSONAL MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDSHIPS WITH CHRIS HEMSWORTH AND MARK RUFFALO, AWWWWW YEAAAAAAH.