PEP GUARDIOLA

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Face: SILVER SCREEN
Body: PURE MAN CITY
Arms: DEXTEROUS
Personality: PEPPY
Distinguishing Features: BALL SKILLS
Attainability: NOPE

I was at the Salon del Mobile design fair in Milan a couple of years ago on a work trip, and developed the worst blister ever on the back of my heel from wearing new shoes to walk five fucking hundred miles a day in. I was waiting in line to buy blister plasters at an old school pharmacy, and was standing behind an elderly Italian woman emphatically detailing the effects of her recent prolapse to the terrified assistant behind the counter. Clearly out of his depth, he called to the chemist to come and talk to her instead. Expecting a somewhat crumpled & tobacco stained old signor to emerge from the concealed office, you can imagine my amazement when the figure to appear in a white coat looked exactly like Pep Guardiola, pre-headshave. Leaning on the counter feigning concern for Nonna’s knackered internal organs, he made deep eye contact with me, standing there, clutching my fucking Compeeds, and I swear to god I almost left my boyfriend there and then and moved to Milan to take up smoking and drinking Aperol all day in between marathon sexual journeys with my new lover, Pep. The real Pep is Spanish, but of course you would still leave your partner for him. Just LOOK at him. It would mean you’d have to live in Manchester though, so weigh up the pros and cons first, OK – don’t be hasty.

(For Ellie: you knows it. Xxx)

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LAKEITH STANFIELD

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Face: PERMANENTLY BEMUSED
Body: GET OUT (AND IN, AND OUT, AND IN, AND OUT)
Arms: EPPS-ELLENT
Personality: UNDERSTATED
Distinguishing Features: PENETRATING, ERR…GAZE
Attainability: COUPLED UPPPPP

You know when you’re in your early twenties, and you’re still figuring shit out, and you’re still pretty much a total dickhead across the full life spectrum, and then you meet the first guy in your new post-university world who is just so fucking enigmatic and sexual that you decide to up your game considerably, almost entirely so you can experience a level of erotic deviancy that had yet to – up until that exact point – present itself to you thus far? Well, Lakeith Stanfield is totally that guy. He doesn’t quite reach the hallowed Hutchence levels of titular wizardry, (who does) but, like, I would legit do ANYTHING that he asked me to do. It’s his eyes, man. They can see right through my clothes, he makes me feel all funny. As well as this preternatural ability to inspire imagined or actual nakedness, he’s also a phenomenal actor. I’m excited to see him in way more serious roles over the next few years, but one thing is clear: he will be a huge star. Imagine him at forty, fucking hell #peakmalefitness

(For Sharmila, Kerry, and Hemmo: all thirsty xxx)

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ANDREW RANNELLS

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Face: PETER PAN(STICK)
Body: ELIJAH WOULD
Arms: BOOK OF MERMAN
Personality: PUPPYISH
Distinguishing Features: STAGE PRESENCE
Attainability: NO IDEA

I’ve recently started watching GIRLS again for the first time since it was aired. I kinda wanted to dismiss it this time around as Lena Dunham is so tiresome as a human being (I’m sure she’s really nice in real life but jesus christ Lena, fuck off), but actually I have laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Much of that can be attributed to the excellent character of Elijah, played to perfection by Andrew Rannells. An outdated gay-best-friend trope it surely should have been; yet Rannells is so utterly, brilliantly nuanced that the part somehow transcends any tired old cliches. And something about the combination of his smooth, pore-less babyface and his tall, broad shouldered, capable man-body REALLY stirs something in the female clitoral region. Not his aim, presumably; but hey, any hole’s a goal. A Broadway stage star of some renown, Andrew is also racking up the celluloid credits – I’m excited to see him in the hotly anticipated The Romanoffs by Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner. Not sure he’ll be hate-fucking any Marnies in that but you never know.

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COLIN KAEPERNICK

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Face: REGAL EAGLE
Body: HUNKORAMA
Arms: 49ERS
Personality: HONORABLE
Distinguishing Features: INTEGRITY LIKE WHUT
Attainability: TAKEN

I’ve been a bit ‘meh’ about men recently. I’ve been a bit neglectful of this blog, too. That doesn’t mean I’ve run out of hot guys to write about – on the contrary. It’s just that there are so many other things clouding my brain, like, I dunno….THE THREAT OF NUCLEAR WAR?! But then I realised that writing about hot men is a welcome release (ahem) in these troubled times. And there are plenty of hot men whose ethics are as on fire as their faces, such as Colin Kaepernick. Fuck, man. It gets me choked up just thinking about the personal sacrifices this man has made on behalf of a cause that is so much bigger than all of us. He took the risk of ruining his professional career in order to take a knee for all those who have lost their lives or loved ones through racial injustice, and there was no guarantee that Nike or anyone else would stand by him (and most didn’t). Thankfully, he now has the backing of a global mega-corporation that believes that their target demographic is smart, and fierce, and political; they wouldn’t have released their latest marketing campaign otherwise. Kaepernick is principled and kind, and he puts his fucking money where his mouth is. He is an outright modern day icon, and I couldn’t think of a better role model for the youth of today. Thank fuck for Colin, eh.

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CHADWICK BOSEMAN

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Face: T’CHARMING
Body: MARVEL-WORTHY
Arms: BLACK PANTHERS
Personality: POTENTIALLY BLAH?
Distinguishing features: GAME CHANGER
Attainability: AVAILABLE? HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO?

For me, growing up as a white kid meant that there was no shortage of white superhero films to watch (even if they were all fucking men). It took aeons for a mainstream studio to make an incredible movie with an almost entirely black cast; systemic racism is all too real, yo. Anyway, on its release, Black Panther blew the competition out of the water making Marvel a SHIT ton of money (which is all that matters in Hollywood, let’s face it) and giving millions of little children of colour a cast of fucking badass characters (especially the women! Hoo boy!) to aspire to. Am I right when I say that Michael B. Jordan stole the film with probably one of the most outrageously sexual baddies to ever grace the screen?! FUCK. But Chadders here, as the eponymous hero T’Challa, is a game changer, a record breaker, a worthy entry into the WOULD Hall of Fame: the first globally and critically successful black superhero. May he be merely the first of many. There’s a lot of catching up to do.

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ANTONI POROWSKI

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Face: CHRISTIAN BALE IF HE WERE AN ANGEL
Body: AVOCADO ADVOCATE
Arms: GENTLY RIPPED
Personality: PUPPYDOG
Distinguishing features: HANDY WITH A CANAPÉ
Attainability: HAS AN INCREDIBLY GORGEOUS BOYFRIEND

I can’t hold out any longer. I didn’t want to be one of those sad little hags who gushes endlessly over the Queer Eye guys and constantly wishes I were their friend, but I absolutely love all of them and I fucking do want to be their friend. They’re all absolutely LOVELY and I just can’t decide who is my favourite, because they are all my favourites, and if you follow all of them (separately) on Instagram you’ll know that their loveliness is the real deal. However, Antoni is a goddam honey and he looks like a movie star: just the right about of naive prepster, but the knowing smile of a man who knows exactly what his worth is. He is frickin’ gorgeous, with those fluffy puppy eyes and the slightly wonky smile. I love that in the opening sequence to Queer Eye he’s the whitest dancer by far, but still somehow comes across like an adorable goof as opposed to a desperately unsexy frat boy. His gentle demeanour and non-judgmental attitude made him the perfect choice to help clueless straight dudes sort their fucking lives out. I wish he’d sort my life out. And my vagina. WHAT.

(For Doron: thirst trapped, but happy. Xx)

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DARREN CRISS

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Face: DISNEY’S ALADDIN
Body: GLEE-FULL
Arms: CRISS CROSS
Personality: WOKE
Distinguishing features: PACKING IT
Attainability: FUCK IT. GIRLFRIEND

I mean, if you’re gonna be shot in the face by someone…….right?! Listen gurrrl, I got this. Darren Criss in a pink Floridian bedroom gyrating to Easy Lover in a tiny pair of salmon-hued Speedos is nowhere near the campest thing to happen in The Assassination of Gianni Versace, but it’s certainly one of the fucking sexiest. Although compact and lithe, Criss packs a surprisingly considerable load in the genital region and it has not gone unnoticed: not by me, not by the millions of gays who’d like to Welcome to Miami and Bienvenido a Miamiiiiii. He’s smart, he’s woke, and he’s well aware that his privilege needs to be kept in check; qualities that mean his straightness doesn’t seem to have annoyed anyone who generally believes that queer roles should go to queer actors. He’s respectful and open, and he champions LGBTQ+ art and performance at every given opportunity. He’s the cis boy we need in these times of toxic masculinity, and the salmon Speedos are merely our reward for having to deal with Trump and Putin and all those other absolute dickheads.

(For Joe: your type is practically written in the Rosetta Stone; and for Jim: you know a good dancer when you see one. Xx)

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