JESSE WILLIAMS

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Face: I MEAN COME ON
Body: BAE’S ANATOMY
Arms: MODEL CITIZENS
Personality: WOKE
Distinguishing features: BOY GOT BRAINZ
Attainability: MARRIED WITH KIDS

This guy. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Daaaaaamn. Children, use the power and platforms you have access to and then double your money, so to speak. Finding himself in a position of strength (securing a starring role in the insanely popular Grey’s Anatomy, becoming a beloved small-screen hunk) Mr Williams has helped to elevate the discussion of topics that are dear to him as a civil rights activist, and fucking important for everyone else to take part in too. Taking the stage at the BET Awards in June after winning an award for his humanitarian efforts, Jesse raised the roof by making this impassioned speech in support of #BlackLivesMatter, as if he weren’t sexual catnip enough. My god! Erudite, respectful, committed, beautiful and talented, this ex-primary school teacher-slash-model (obviously) is a gentle yet seriously steady force to be reckoned with. White Hollywood needs to keep listening, along with the rest of the world.

Support #BlackLivesMatter here and in your communities and please take the time to understand why it is so, so, so important. Thank you xxx

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GARETH BALE

dirk-rees-portfolio-sports-and-motion-Bale_01jpg-1650x1520Face: SIMIAN
Body: WELL OILED MACHINE
Arms: GWEITHIO’N GALED
Personality: BOY NEXT DOOR
Distinguishing features: MAD BALL SKILLS
Attainability: LIVES WITH HIS CHILDHOOD SWEETHEART

How can someone simultaneously be unattractive and yet so devastatingly attractive? I’m afraid I wouldn’t actually know, given my extreme physical superiority; but I’ll try and analyse this question for you, dear readers. Mr Bale is, without a doubt, one of the top five footballers on the planet. Speedier than a Kardashian heading for the nude bodycon dress rail at Balmain, lovely Gareth has proven himself to be one of the most physically agile athletes that the bigwigs at the various soccer ball federations have ever come across. And let’s face it, they’ve come across a few in their time FNAAAAARRRRR!!!! Maaaan, am I funny. Boy-oh-boy. Propelling Wales to the semi-finals of the Euros, Bale has consistently proven his startling value; and caused a fair few emotional moments for the watching public as well. There’s nothing like an underdog team succeeding against all odds to get you feeling all Ellen about life. In conclusion, he might look like he was bred at Monkey World, but he is one hundred percent All Man.

 

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JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON

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Face: DREAM SCENE
Body: JOCK
Arms: BALLERS
Personality: UP 4 IT
Distinguishing features: STARRY LINEAGE
Attainability: GOOD?

Have you seen Ballers yet? It’s produced by and also stars The Rock, features numerous mega-lol moments, and has a largely black cast – which is always good news for any big new show (and should be the fucking norm rather than an anomaly, however positive it is). Disclaimer: I watched the entire first series in one go on a flight to New Zealand at Christmas. Another huge draw BUT OF COURSE NOT THE REASON I WATCHED IT is the extremely WOULD-heavy cast, including the flawed yet charismatic character of Ricky Jerret, played by Mr Washington here. Oh, what’s that…? You want to know if he is related to any other unbelievably sexy actors with the surname Washington…? Why yes, dear reader! Indeed he is… John David is Denzel’s son, and along with inheriting the family acting skillz, he also seems to have actually surpassed his father in terms of attractiveness. This feat alone would warrant him an entry on this blog, but the fact that he was also a professional American football player for several years is just the ball in the sack imho.

(Hey Kezza! For you xxx)

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OLLY ALEXANDER

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Face: YEARS & YEARS…….YOUNGER THAN ME😦
Body: TEEN DREAM
Arms: WISPY
Personality: KING
Distinguishing features: THOSE EYES
Attainability: COULD BE SINGLE…?

How do you like your pop stars? Intelligent with a side of extra cwuuuute? Reader, I hear you. Mr Alexander is not only a talented lil’ bunny whose band Years & Years have released some of the best pop songs of the last couple of years, he’s also a complete dude who speaks eloquently about all sorts of topics from the importance of mental health awareness, to standing up to bullying, to calling out the sexist bullshit that diminishes teenage girls as important drivers of the music industry. In short, he’s a very modern sort of sparky pop star with the vocal goods to back it up. I’ve also seen photos of him with his cat that looks really similar to mine, so….bonus. Now, the only problem is that he makes me feel fucking ANCIENT; a wizened crone akin to Zelda from Terrahawks after some sort of meth rampage. Ha! As if. I’m so fucking attractive, you guys, seriously.

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JUSTIN BIEBER

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Face: ANGEL BABY LESBIAN
Body: WORK IN PROGRESS
Arms: NEVER SAY NEVER
Personality: ON THE UP
Distinguishing features: GOT ALL THE BEST GANJA
Attainability: WIDE OPEN, Y’ALL!

Listen to me; you might not think you want this right now, but very soon you will and just remember who was here for you. I was once like you. I was once a non-Belieber. I saw the light. Come on over to the bright side, everybody. Join me! You’ll never look back. The chocolate drop eyes will get you even if the Rubik’s Cube skills don’t. Look at that little face. He’s the most beautiful boy. He just wants to be loved – who doesn’t? He just wants to smoke weed with his monkey and have sex with Brazilian escorts and vandalise hotel rooms and be cute on TV shows and get in fights with Orlando Bloom and be loved – who doesn’t? You know you want to succumb. You know you want to follow this fluffy tail down the rabbit hole. You know you want to dive into these depths. You know you want to. Join us . . . . join us. It feels so good.

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PEDRO PASCAL

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Face: BURT REYNOLDS ON SPRING BREAK
Body: BONER-YN MARTELL
Arms: GAME OF WOAH-NS
Personality: TOP NOTCH
Distinguishing features: BIG PEÑA
Attainability: LOOKS PRETTY GOOD GUYS

Picture the scene: you’re practically swimming in a giant mound of delicious, snowy white cocaine, the quality of which is unparalleled, the quantity is unlimited, and the high is so perfectly nuanced that literally nothing could make this situation any better. WRONG! You could get busted. Wait, hear me out . . .  Of *course* the “going to jail” part would significantly get in the way of the chizz hoofing, but just lookee here at the fucking hot cop who is taking you dowwwwwwn. Whilst Narcos is sadly nowhere good as I had hoped it would be, the one thing the casting agent got absolutely spot on is hiring the first rate babestations who populate the line up. Pedro here has the sexual intensity of a caged panther on Viagra, also displayed to magnificent effect as the charismatic deviant Oberyn Martell in Game of Thrones. In short, he looks like he’d shag you on a table in full view of a towerblock of neighbours and you’d enjoy it even more than the cocaine extravaganza.

(For Mhairi, who loves a good Chilean sexual deviant every now and then. Xx)

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THE ROCK

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Face: AGELESS
Body: COLOSSAL
Arms: PYTHONS SWALLOWING A COW
Personality:  SUPER GENIAL
Distinguishing features: NEED WE GO THERE?
Attainability: HAPPY FAMILIES

If you’d have asked me fifteen years ago if I fancied this guy, I’d have been like ‘heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell no’. I mean, WTAF. But, there has been a seismic change. A shift so huge that it seems inconceivable. The Rock, the cheesiest of all the WWE wrestlers, has become . . . sexy. He’s honed a devastating combination of quick wit, notable intelligence, the ability to laugh at himself, perfect and dazzling teeth, an aura of kindness, and the overwhelming sense of sheer manly capability. Look at the size of his fucking arms! I’ve seen train carriages smaller than those! He could lift you out of a ginormous fire with basically no effort whatsoever. Plus, he isn’t scared to look like a massive tit just to make you laugh (see here). Showing Hollywood what a savvy businessman he is, he has built an empire in less than a decade and is now one of the industry’s highest earners. Paper, scissors, rock. Fuck YEAH.

P.S. Watch Ballers, it’s lolololl.

(For Mick, and all the other dudes who got love for the D-Dawg. Xx)

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