Body: GAME OF WOAAAAAHS
Arms: DIET COKE BREAK
Distinguishing features: ERIC BANA-ESQUE VIBES
Attainability: MARRIED. SO NO
Obviously everybody who isn’t a complete fuckwit knows that Game of Thrones has the best babes in it. This one actually managed to snare Khaleesi – they even binned off the original actor who played his character because he suuuuuuuucked and also looked like something out of Gladiators in 1994 (probably called something shit like ‘Eagle’), and also he replaced Jason Statham in some film about guns. But whevs. Huisman came in and basically bossed it. No wonder Daenerys Targaryen went “fuck it, I’ma get me some of that”. A touch of Eric Bana, a smidgen of Michael Hutchence, and the weirdly compelling aura of David Ginola at his peak mean that this Dutch beauty is 100% compiled of fitness. Look out for him in Treme, Orphan Black, and various softcore porn sites too. I know I do.
(Happy birthday Kerry! Xx)
Body: DOUBLE HELPINGS
Distinguishing features: WEARY TWINKLE
Attainability: HAPPILY MARRIED
If you’ve been watching Bloodline on Netflix then you’ll know where I’m coming from with this one. The human male equivalent of a favourite, sun-warmed, linen shirt, Kyle Chandler exudes the type of gentle masculinity that’s like catnip to me. He’s big, and kind of heavy, and silvering around the temples; his confidently understated sex appeal being emitted in an unwavering pulse. There’s something to be said for the type of guy who can commit to the same woman for twenty years and counting, who volunteers as a fire fighter, and who campaigns against the barbaric practice of shark finning with his teenage daughter. Basically, he’s a complete dude, and a nice one at that. Get the fuck iiiiiiiin.
(Lesley – happy birthday, my angel! Sian & Gail, pour vous aussi xxx)
Face: THE BEST QUIXOTIC MARRIABLE PATEL
Body: STEM OF OKRA
Distinguishing features: KIND EYES
Attainability: LOOKING GOOD!
Errr . . . hang on . . . when did Dev Patel grow into a MAN-man?! For years he has looked so fresh and innocent! Well, maybe because he was basically a child. But he is definitely now a child no longer! Ahhh, BEARDZ: creating raw sexuality since the year dot. You gotta love them. And as well as his new, grown up, leading man looks, Dev has always exuded the sweetest, puppy-ish enthusiasm for life; always a highly infectious and desirable trait. I just love that his physicality clearly reflects his personality. Hope he doesn’t turn out to be a complete knobshaft, tbh. Some more good news (for us, at least) is that he recently split with trademarked ultrababe Freida Pinto, leaving the path relatively clear for one of youse lot. He won’t be on the market for long though, so step to it.
Face: PRINCE OF PERSIA
Body: INTERNATIONAL PLAYBOY ON VACAY IN MARBELLA
Arms: SO WORTHY
Distinguishing features: WON THE GENETIC LOTTERY
Attainability: LOOKS GOOD
Here’s another one who has been on the list for a considerable amount of time. After his incredibly handsome visage appeared on The Great British Bake Off the other day I decided to hurry the fuck up for the sake of all of humanity. Have you even SEEN him?! Bloody hell! He’s so good looking that I have genuinely Googled ‘kayvan novak married?’ about forty eight times over the last couple of years. Those perfect white teeth! That flawless olive skin! Those wonderfully long legs! That shiny black hair, those dark eyes burning with intensity, that perfectly slim torso, that, those, that, those… I bet he smells fantastic – like clean laundry and cinnamon. Well, you can fuck off to the back of the queue, anyway. If anyone’s gonna sample his home baking, it’s gonna be me.
(For Sharmila, Mhairi, Lizzie and everyone else. Xx)
Face: THAT GUY FROM UNI WHO SUDDENLY GOT FIT
Arms: EX-DOWNTON FLABBY
Distinguishing features: CERULEAN EYES
Attainability: MARRIED FFS
Some guys are well better when they’re a little bit heavier, but some lose about two stone and all of a sudden are in a whole new league (see also, Calvin Harris). Sorry, Dan mate, but you’re the latter. Well, why should I be sorry? You know as well as I do that trimming up a bit and getting a decent haircut has increased your chances of starring in a film opposite Jennifer Lawrence by about 300%. Although I didn’t watch Downton that much because it had loads of Tories in it (probably) and also I was too busy working and going out raving with male models, I did catch a few choice episodes and I’ll tell you this for now – I would have WOULDed you when you were a bit chubbier, too. But I forgot. So, now I look like a fairweather stalker, don’t I. Ah well, I sure look forward to seeing you morph into our nation’s version of Ryan Gosling. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease do a Drive.
Face: IF COLIN FARRELL WERE FITTER
Body: SLINKY LUPINE
Distinguishing features: BEST STAGE ACTOR EVER?
Attainability: BEEN MARRIED FOR AGES
Chances are, if you’ve seen any plays worth seeing in the last twenty years, Mark Rylance has been in at least a couple of them. Simply put, he is just phenomenal on stage. His presence and simmering passion is sight to behold, let alone how he makes one actually fucking feel. Although he has popped up in various TV offerings over the years, it’s only recently that he’s done a bit of a Cranston and is suddenly appearing everywhere. Currently, you can observe him as Cromwell in Wolf Hall, but the BEST news is that Roald Dahl’s beloved The BFG is being made into a movie by Steven Spielberg, and Mr Rylance has been cast as the eponymous benevolent behemoth. A sigh of relief all round, then. Crinkly-eyed and snaggle-toothed, Rylance’s sexual appeal is at once startlingly obvious yet subtly applied; but I know that you’ll agree that his charisma is overwhelming. Mega WOULD.
(Nick! Pour vous… Xx)
Face: UPPER EAST SNIDE
Arms: BASS LINES
Distinguishing features: GRANITE JAW
Attainability: WELL HE IS FROM STEVENAGE…
Yeaaaaaaaaah, I know all a y’all been waiting for bare time for this one. And I am never one to disappoint – aside from that one time I told my mate I was going to go to Blackpool with her but then bailed and hid in my house until she stopped knocking. Anyhoo, Ed Westwick, despite playing a very convincing American, is actually English and from the thriving metropolis that is . . . Stevenage. So you can understand why he left for Hollywood, right? Possessing a jawline that was verily hewn from a hefty slab of rock, brows as straight as arrows, and the eyes of a majestic giant eagle, Eddie has the regal bearing of a Navajo warrior; yet the reassuringly middle-class brawn of a true Hertfordshire lad. Chuck Bass is a sexually deviant, morally dubious, billionaire hedonist – basically the dream. Gossip Girl may be over, but our dreams are not. Long live Chuck!
(For Vivienne – HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And Mhairi, and Gail… xxx)