Face: DENNIS WILSON ON THE PIES
Body: GRIZZLY BEAR
Personality: AS YOU’D EXPECT
Distinguishing features: EYE TWINKLE LIKE WHUT
Attainability: MARRIED WITH KIDZ
I know, I know – Don Draper is a dreamboat; but he’s an absolute shitbag with the ladies, let’s face it. I saved almost all of my lust for the hirsute and heavyset Stan Rizzo. Starting in the show as a be-quiffed and clean-shaven Average Joe, he has steadily metamorphosised into a cross between Alan Bates and Zach Galifianakis via Aiden from Sex and the City‘s wardrobe. I like to imagine that I could lounge around drinking hard liquor and talking about art with Stan, and given that he is essentially a fatter version of my actual boyfriend this is a lot easier than you might expect. A barrel chest combined with voluminous, silky, cascading, follicular magnificence? Who wouldn’t want to have a sniff of that testosterone?
(For all my babes: you know who you are. Xx)
Face: OH WHAT A GUY
Arms: FAST AND FURIOUS
Distinguishing features: CRACKING VOICE
Attainability: LOOKING GOOD
So yeah; megafit, obvs. But know what the best fucking thing is about Luke Evans is? He will soon be playing the dastardly, narcissistic Gaston in the live-action version of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast!! Unless you’re some sort of moron, you’ll know that this is the BEST Disney film with the BEST songs and the BEST characters and the BEST character is Gaston and he has the BEST songs. It’s so exciting! Aside from this, Evans has also played the BEST musketeer (Aramis) and the BEST god (Zeus). I think we can pretty much all agree on his bestness. Welsh, openly gay (yay!), and – bizarrely – an ex-Jehovah’s Witness, Mr Evans has dazzled Hollywood over the last few years. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of his chiselled grid.
Body: GAME OF WOAAAAAHS
Arms: DIET COKE BREAK
Distinguishing features: ERIC BANA-ESQUE VIBES
Attainability: MARRIED. SO NO
Obviously everybody who isn’t a complete fuckwit knows that Game of Thrones has the best babes in it. This one actually managed to snare Khaleesi – they even binned off the original actor who played his character because he suuuuuuuucked and also looked like something out of Gladiators in 1994 (probably called something shit like ‘Eagle’), and also he replaced Jason Statham in some film about guns. But whevs. Huisman came in and basically bossed it. No wonder Daenerys Targaryen went “fuck it, I’ma get me some of that”. A touch of Eric Bana, a smidgen of Michael Hutchence, and the weirdly compelling aura of David Ginola at his peak mean that this Dutch beauty is 100% compiled of fitness. Look out for him in Treme, Orphan Black, and various softcore porn sites too. I know I do.
(Happy birthday Kerry! Xx)
Body: DOUBLE HELPINGS
Distinguishing features: WEARY TWINKLE
Attainability: HAPPILY MARRIED
If you’ve been watching Bloodline on Netflix then you’ll know where I’m coming from with this one. The human male equivalent of a favourite, sun-warmed, linen shirt, Kyle Chandler exudes the type of gentle masculinity that’s like catnip to me. He’s big, and kind of heavy, and silvering around the temples; his confidently understated sex appeal being emitted in an unwavering pulse. There’s something to be said for the type of guy who can commit to the same woman for twenty years and counting, who volunteers as a fire fighter, and who campaigns against the barbaric practice of shark finning with his teenage daughter. Basically, he’s a complete dude, and a nice one at that. Get the fuck iiiiiiiin.
(Lesley – happy birthday, my angel! Sian & Gail, pour vous aussi xxx)
Face: THE BEST QUIXOTIC MARRIABLE PATEL
Body: STEM OF OKRA
Distinguishing features: KIND EYES
Attainability: LOOKING GOOD!
Errr . . . hang on . . . when did Dev Patel grow into a MAN-man?! For years he has looked so fresh and innocent! Well, maybe because he was basically a child. But he is definitely now a child no longer! Ahhh, BEARDZ: creating raw sexuality since the year dot. You gotta love them. And as well as his new, grown up, leading man looks, Dev has always exuded the sweetest, puppy-ish enthusiasm for life; always a highly infectious and desirable trait. I just love that his physicality clearly reflects his personality. Hope he doesn’t turn out to be a complete knobshaft, tbh. Some more good news (for us, at least) is that he recently split with trademarked ultrababe Freida Pinto, leaving the path relatively clear for one of youse lot. He won’t be on the market for long though, so step to it.
Face: PRINCE OF PERSIA
Body: INTERNATIONAL PLAYBOY ON VACAY IN MARBELLA
Arms: SO WORTHY
Distinguishing features: WON THE GENETIC LOTTERY
Attainability: LOOKS GOOD
Here’s another one who has been on the list for a considerable amount of time. After his incredibly handsome visage appeared on The Great British Bake Off the other day I decided to hurry the fuck up for the sake of all of humanity. Have you even SEEN him?! Bloody hell! He’s so good looking that I have genuinely Googled ‘kayvan novak married?’ about forty eight times over the last couple of years. Those perfect white teeth! That flawless olive skin! Those wonderfully long legs! That shiny black hair, those dark eyes burning with intensity, that perfectly slim torso, that, those, that, those… I bet he smells fantastic – like clean laundry and cinnamon. Well, you can fuck off to the back of the queue, anyway. If anyone’s gonna sample his home baking, it’s gonna be me.
(For Sharmila, Mhairi, Lizzie and everyone else. Xx)
Face: THAT GUY FROM UNI WHO SUDDENLY GOT FIT
Arms: EX-DOWNTON FLABBY
Distinguishing features: CERULEAN EYES
Attainability: MARRIED FFS
Some guys are well better when they’re a little bit heavier, but some lose about two stone and all of a sudden are in a whole new league (see also, Calvin Harris). Sorry, Dan mate, but you’re the latter. Well, why should I be sorry? You know as well as I do that trimming up a bit and getting a decent haircut has increased your chances of starring in a film opposite Jennifer Lawrence by about 300%. Although I didn’t watch Downton that much because it had loads of Tories in it (probably) and also I was too busy working and going out raving with male models, I did catch a few choice episodes and I’ll tell you this for now – I would have WOULDed you when you were a bit chubbier, too. But I forgot. So, now I look like a fairweather stalker, don’t I. Ah well, I sure look forward to seeing you morph into our nation’s version of Ryan Gosling. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease do a Drive.