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Author Archives: Emma Jay
NICK CAVE
Face: HENRY’S DREAM Body: NEBULOUS Arms: JACK SKELLINGTON Personality: COOL, LAZARUS, COOL! Distinguishing Features: UNTOLD CREATIVITY Attainability: MARRIED TO SUSIE BICK I know he looks like a gravedigger from an Edgar Allen Poe novella, but this man is so brimming … Continue reading
PETER DINKLAGE
Face: DIMPLETASTIC LION Body: PRINCELY Arms: NIP/FUCK Personality: NONCHALANT Distinguishing Features: AMAZING HAZEL EYES Attainability: MARRIED WITH A DAUGHTER I’ve had a bit of a thing about Dinklage since The Station Agent, where he excelled as the introverted Finbar McBride. … Continue reading
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JAMIE DORNAN
Face: WOODLAND CREATURE Body: CK GENES Arms: GOOD FOR A STRANGLE-WANK Personality: NO ONE CARES Distinguishing Features: GOD-GIVEN FACE Attainability: MARRIED Back when Mr Dornan was a top model, I always thought how great he would look in a film. … Continue reading
KURT COBAIN
Face: HEART SHAPED FOX Body: COME AS YOU ARE Arms: SEATTLE COFFEE HOUSE BARISTA Personality: SMELLS LIKE PEEN SPIRIT Distinguishing Features: BEST GRUNGE HAIR Attainability: NEVERMIND From the ages of eleven to sixteen, I wore twelve-hole second-hand Dr Marten’s that … Continue reading
ED BURNS
Face: GILLEN GOES WALL STREET Body: HE’S THE ONE Arms: 27 YESSES Personality: CHILLAXED Distinguishing Features: ENTREPRENEURIAL FILM MAKER Attainability: MARRIED TO CHRISTY TURLINGTON, SO…NO He’s got a brilliant voice, I reckon. It’s kinda squeaky, kinda wise guy, but ultimately … Continue reading
PATRICK GRANT
Face: OSCAR WILDE PROTAGONIST Body: E TAUT(Z) Arms: C’EST CHIC Personality: FIRM BUT FAIR Distinguishing Features: ULTRABRAIN Attainability: HIS MISSUS IS THE FORMIDABLE KATIE HILLIER Let’s break this down into manageable chunks, shall we: He’s utterly charming. He resembles the … Continue reading
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ANDREW LINCOLN
Face: LOVE, DEFINITELY Body: THE WALKING WOULD Arms: SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE Personality: CALM Distinguishing Features: DREAMY VOICE Attainability: NAH He’s a WOULD post that’s been a long time coming, I know. Sorry everybody. But I have a lot … Continue reading
SIDNEY POITIER
Face: TO WOULD, WITH LOVE Body: SUITS YOU SIR Arms: BAHAMIANMANIA Personality: GUESS WHO’S COMING TO THE PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM Distinguishing Features: OLDEST LIVING MAN TO BE AWARDED AN OSCAR Attainability: HAPPILY MARRIED What a career. Numerous Baftas, Academy … Continue reading
DANIEL BRUHL
Face: GLORIOUS BASTERD Body: GOOD BYE LENTILS! Arms: PLEASING Personality: THE EDUKATOR Distinguishing Features: MULTILINGUAL Attainability: LOOKS LIKE HE’S SINGLE, FOLKS I know that he might not be instantly recognizable if you’re not one of those people who watch decent … Continue reading
GORAN VISNJIC
Face: PRACTICALLY MAGICAL Body: ABOUT SEVEN FUCKING FEET TALL Arms: EEE-YAR Personality: PHILANTHROPIC Distinguishing Features: BALTIC HUMOUR Attainability: MARRIED, BUT A BIT OF A CAD? Croatian men are well hot. And TALL. Eric Bana is half-Croatian, for starters. One year … Continue reading
