Just fucking look at this guy. He’s six foor four and wears shorts all year round, so I don’t give a rat’s ass about the ‘playing football’ bit. Apparently he’s dead good though. Google it if you want some fucking facts, like. With cheekbones akin to an Alpine ski resort, Herr Hummels is quite the Bavarian beauty. Born and bred in Germany, he now plays for the national team as well as some other ones (probably). So, basically, just make sure you watch any matches that say ‘Germany’ on them. Here’s another top football tip: Sweden. It’s probably wishful thinking to hope that he has any sort of personality, because it’s the global law that only four footballers at any one time are allowed some charisma.
(For Ryan – HAPPY NOW??? xx)