STU PILKINGTON

Face: SERAPHIC
Body: HERCULEAN
Arms: COLOSSAL
Personality: BRILL
Distinguishing features: EYELASHES TO DIE FOR
Attainability: NOPE

If, like WOULD, you got a bit bored of Big Brother after series nine, who can blame you? BBAS (Big Brother After Stuart) was a fucking load of shite — mainly because there was no Stuart in it. His body (which, thoughtfully, was half naked most of the time) was – IS – like that of a divine higher being. If the perfect male body exists, then he’s pretty goddam close. The knowledge that this wonderfully formed human was not only living and breathing in Manchester, but that he was a super nice dude who loved his daughter more than anything in the world, was almost too much to bear. TOO…MUCH…NICENESS! In fact, he is very good pals in “real life” with my friend and former WOULDer Manachain Monaghan, so I need to keep the gushing in check in case I ever meet him and make myself look like a fucking bellend.*

(For Sian, Kim, Natalie, Rebecca and Hannah xx)

*Sorry, even MORE of a fucking bellend.

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