JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

Face: DECEPTIVELY INNOCENT
Body: DEATH-DEFYING
Arms: TENNESSEE TERRIFIC
Personality: JACKASS
Distinguishing Features: UP FOR ANYTHING
Attainability: MARRIED WITH KIDZ

I mean, so, yeah, he’d probably annoy the fuck out of you (Him: “Hey honey! Look at me! I’ve inserted a Slinky up my urethra! Good or what?!” You: “Yeah, awesome. So I take it you’re not dressed and ready to go to my cousin Jenny’s wedding then?” X 136,487), but I bet he would be the most sexually adventurous dude you’d ever met. OH NO, I’ve just had the worst thought: what if he’s boring in real life? Like, really, reeeeeeeeeally boring?! And he liked Mumford & Sons and watching Top Gear on Dave, and he wore those jeans that were sort of slightly too high-waisted and slightly too boot-cut and one of those horrible striped acrylic scarves that they sell in Debenhams that all boring men wear? Man, you’d be devvoed. Absolutely crushed! OK, so maybe the best thing is to never meet him. Just keep the crazy, sexy Johnny image in your head forever and NEVER LET GO EVER.

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2 Responses to JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

  1. A Write Charley says:

    Love it, although apparently, in one of his stunts he broke his “John Thomas” and now has to use a pump to get it, err, well … hard!

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