JAVIER BARDEM

Face: GINORMOUS
Body: BURLY
Arms: RESOLUTE
Personality: FERVENT
Distinguishing features: ACTING APTITUDE
Attainability: PENELOPE CRUZ (NONE)

Javier Bardem has, by his own admission, got a ‘big face’. But hey, more for us to love. He’s one of those guys that you start off looking at and thinking “nah”, but then twenty minutes into a movie you think “hmm”, and then after an hour, you’re like “PHWOAR”. It’s just his way. Sadly, these days, the mother of his child and all round luscious woman Penelope Cruz is the chosen one sharing his domain. But, you know, maybe one day he’ll fall on hard times and no longer be Oscar-worthy and extremely talented, and might prop up a bar in Benidorm, and then…WE STRIKE.

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