Body: COMEDY VEHICLE
Arms: FIST(S) OF FUN
Personality: DRIER THAN NEFERTITI’S VAGINA
Distinguishing Features: HUMANIST
Attainability: MARRIED, I BELIEVE
You just would, wouldn’t you. For a start, he’s fucking funny. Secondly, he’s one hell of a clever bastard. And thirdly, everybody loves a man who despises Jeremy Clarkson and all he stands for. If you like your comedians Oxford-educated yet resolutely anti-Tory then Stew is the man for you. His wit is rapier sharp and pitch perfect; his isms delivered in a majestic treacly voice with just the right amount of estuary. Basically, he’s the exact opposite of Michael McIntyre. I mean, yeah. Says it all really. Although his quiff is still relatively perky, his softening features and gentle eye crinkles are endearing him to me more than ever.
Face: CHERUB DRESSED UP AS A CARTOON FISHERMAN
Body: TALL DRINK O’ WATER
Arms: SWING STAR(S)
Distinguishing Features: CREATIVE POWERHOUSE
Attainability: BABETRON DELUXE GIRLFRIEND
Do you like music? If not, why not? Music is the BEST. And if you like music and dancing and being happy and feeling just great then you should like Terje Olsen, aka Todd Terje. He makes the most danceable, wonderful music and also DJs all over the world. His new album is utterly ace. Plus, he’s about six foot six and is a super-polite Norwegian superbabe. More than a touch of the geek about him obviously (as you’d expect from a one time trainee astrophysicist), but his passion for his craft is utterly mesmerising. When I used to work for Electric Elephant, me and my mate Eddy had to look after the DJs and Todd here was one of the quietest, most respectful, nicest and most professional guys around. Not like that Moonboots aka Moanboots aka Dad… (LOVE YA RICARDO xx).
Face: MING? HELLA NO!
Body: THE SOCIAL WOULDWORK
Personality: SEEMS A DECENT CHAP
Distinguishing Features: BEST EYEBROWS SINCE DELEVIGNE
Attainability: SHACKED UP
He’s a hot little number, is Minghella. Kate Mara thinks so at least, and the House of Cards actress is currently Max-ing (lol!) out her Minghella credit card as we speak. You may well recognise Max from The Social Network, and although he hasn’t been bombarding us with new movies, I still follow his face, er, career with interest. He’s about to start filming the new series of The Mindy Project, so I expect his profile will grow (in the US, at least…). He has Italian, Chinese, Parsee Indian, English, Swedish, and Irish heritage, which would account for his incredible face and majestic eyebrows, and of course he is the son of the late Anthony Minghella. Interesting facts, eh? KEEP LOOKING, DICKEADS.
Face: HUNKSVILLE, POPULATION: 1
Body: DIET COKE BREAK
Arms: AUSSIE BUILDER STRIPPAGRAM
Personality: EVERYBODY NEEDS GOOD NEIGHBOURS
Distinguishing Features: HE’S JUST FIT, INNIT
Attainability: BACK ON THE MARKET!
At least he’s ditched the macro-tongued, chizz-snuffling, attention seeking superbrat that is Miley Cyrus. I mean, that was some serious nul points, right there. So now we can just go back to concentrating on his manly torso and densely eyelashed peepers. That’s all I ever did to be fair; his acting is AWFUL. Younger brother of Chris “Thor” Hemsworth and another one called Luke who used to be in Neighbours but isn’t as fit, Liam has been signed up to appear in all of The Hunger Games films. Big deal shizz, that. Expect to see him shirtless and smouldering, and adorning the walls of your teenage daughter’s bedroom for some time to come.
Arms: DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS
Personality: AS GOOD AS IT GETS
Distinguishing Features: A WAY WITH WORDS
Attainability: SADLY DEPARTED
I’m absolutely gutted. Harold Ramis died last week, after a long and protracted illness. If you’re my age (thirty four), then Ghostbusters was probably a B I G thing from your childhood. I’m sure you had your favourite, it was probably Peter Venkman, the charismatic lothario. But my favourite was Egon Spengler, the introspective geek. This started a “thing” for me. A big thing. Ramis co-wrote the movie as well as starring in it, and went on to write and direct Groundhog Day and Analyze This (amongst many others) and didn’t do so much acting after that, save for the odd cameo. But, he always maintained a stronghold in my heart, and his comedic prowess will live on forever. You just cannot underestimate his influence on the comedy film makers that came after him. Rest in peace, Hazza.
(For me, and for Lizzie. Xx)
Face: AMERICAN BEAUTY
Body: SUBURBAN DAD
Arms: THE USUAL SUSPECTS
Distinguishing Features: CHOCOLATE VOICE
Attainability: OOPS I JUST HAPPENED TO FALL OVER ONTO THIS GAY MAN’S PENIS
Here’s another one who’s been on the list for, like, ever, but his recent excellence in House of Cards has brought him back to my fickle attention. I developed an übercrush on his psychotic celluloid characters of the nineties, purely because of his tremedously mesmerising voice. It sounds like all of the best, creepiest, sexiest and calmest voices decided to get together one day and form a little supergroup like The Travelling Wilburys and, combined, just be THE best fucking voice. Now, despite his protestations, I think it’s safe to assume that we got ourselves a gay here. Fuck knows why he doesn’t just come out, but it’s unlikely that he’ll be announcing his heterosexual marriage any time soon. In the meantime, please indulge his little fantasy . . . for he provides me with many.
Face: HIPSTER VAMPIRE
Body: A SINGLE MANCHILD
Arms: FIRST CLASS
Personality: ABOUT A (HUNDRED PERCENT BETTER THAN A) BOY
Distinguishing Features: DIMPLES
Attainability: POTENTIALLY ENGAGED TO J-LAW
Dude, he’s twenty four now, OK? That’s nearly a quarter of a century old, before you get all fucking outraged with me or whatever. And what a sexy man he’s shaping up to be. Tom Ford spotted this quality and expertly cast him in A Single Man, where he was able to fully shake off the shackles of the weird kid in About A Boy for once and for all. Reportedly (soon to be) engaged to uber-babe Jennifer Lawrence, Mr Hoult is a great, understated, watchable talent. I’m excited to see what he’ll get up to next, actually. I mean, it’s not like I’ve imagined him bulking up, growing a beard and stripping off because that’s just wrong. SICK AND WRONG.
(For you, Duffster. Xx)