JAMES GARNER

4Face: MATT DILLON SENIOR
Body: HUNKORAMA
Arms: MAVERICKS
Personality: DUDER
Distinguishing Features: JAWLINE HEWN FROM GRANITE
Attainability: NOT A CHANCE

Here’s a great fact about JG: he married his wife, Lois (a single mother with a seven year old child who was recovering from polio), fourteen days after meeting her. That was in 1956. They are still together. She told him that if he even played a Republican character she would leave him, such is their Democratic loyalty. He was sat in the third row when Martin Luther King gave his ‘I Have A Dream’ speech. He’s a total dude. Sadly now in ill health after a series of strokes, James was once the pinnacle of manliness. Not as hirsute as Burt Reynolds or as wife-beatery as Sean Connery, Garner straddled the small and big screens with comparative ease, his testosterone worn like a magic cape. It’s a good job he changed his name from Bumgarner, which was his moniker from birth. And God bless those Cherokee genes – he’s had skin to die for his whole life.

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MANUEL NEUER

600full-manuel-neuerFace: BOY-MAN
Body: THE DESTROY(NEU)ER
Arms: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MASSIVE
Personality: SEEMS SOUND
Distinguishing Features: BEST GOALIE IN THE WORLD
Attainability: SOME SORT OF MODEL BABE-WAG PROBABLY

If you saw the World Cup final last night, you’ll possibly be of the opinion that the man of the match was the prepubescent ventriloquist’s dummy, Mario Götze, who scored the winning (and only) goal. Or how about professional German, Bastian Schweinsteiger? Nah. For me, it was the mountainous frame of the heroic goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer. Impressively nimble for one so big (6’4″ to be exact), Neuer does a lot of sexy running around for a goalie. I realise that he has the type of face that probably looks piggy-eyed first thing in the morning, and presumably – like most footballers – he has an overwhelming tendency to act like a primo dickwad; but despite the porcine visage and (totally imagined, tbh) immaturity, I’d still like to do some handling of my own. WITHOUT the gloves.

(Hey Quiggers! xx)

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DOMINIK BAUER

Dominik-Bauer_0701-730x948Face: ALPINE RANGE
Body: TECHNOTEUTONIC
Arms: PERFEKT
Personality: SEHR SCHÖN
Distinguishing Features: CHEEKBONESSSSSSS
Attainability: DUNNO

Ahhhh, Germany. Excellent at producing cars, beer, and stable financial economies. The other thing they excel at is spawning massive, strapping, tremendously hunky men. Now, some of these men play sport – and very good they are at it too. Some of these men are destined for international business, and – surprise! – they win. But, some of these men are more at home on the fashion runways of this world, and holy sweet Jesus they are fucking obsceeeeeeeeeeenely handsome. Dominik here is merely one of them! There are fucking loads! I just picked him on a whim! But what a terrific example, ja? Ich möchte mit ihm Sex zu haben, over and over and over again. Guten Abend!

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SAM SHEPARD

sam50xFace: HOUND
Body: THE RIGHT STUFF
Arms: LIMBER
Personality: STEEL MAGNOLIA
Distinguishing Features: DEDICATED WRITER
Attainability: FAIR GAME

Obviously, it’s nearly always terrible for your partner if you have a long, creatively inspiring, ground-shaking extra-marital affair – everybody knows that. But when your affair is with the absolute goddess and visionary that is Patti Smith, it’s….well. You see my dilemma here. Yeah, OK, he was potentially a duplicitous prick, but then his wife and lover became friends, because his lover was PATTI SMITH. I mean, you just couldn’t stay angry, right? A noted actor, but mainly a well-respected playwright, Sam Shepard was also shacked up with Jessica Lange for over thirty years (after Smith) until their break up in 2010. He is elegantly rugged, with the sleek face of a pedigree greyhound, and languid limbs that look best in loose silk shirts. But mainly, Patti Smith.

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ANDREA PIRLO

pirlo-10Face: ITALIAN-OHHHH
Body: TENACIOUS
Arms: WELL CAPPED
Personality: YOU-VENT-US?
Distinguishing Features: MAGIC FEET
Attainability: OFF THE MARKET

A bewitching combination of bearded, tempestuous masculinity and sensitive, earnest pseudo-intellectualism, Pirlo is seemingly the antithesis to the moronic breed of asinine footballing oafs that we seem to favour in this stupid little country (see John Terry for proof of cuntism). Italians know the difference between good and bad wine, and the likelihood of them idolising a footballer who still uses Wella Shockwaves wet-look gel to create his circa 1992 matchstick-spiked hairtrocity is about as likely as them nipping to Spar to procure a bottle of lukewarm Gallo Chardonnay to drink with their dinner. Pirlo is a talented, dexterous, lubricious little package with an arse like a peach in a woodwork vice. GO ITALY!

(For Ryan Hunn and Will the sadsack  – Pirlo stalkers extraordinaires. Xx)

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PATRICK STEWART

patrick-stewart1Face: REGAL
Body: TAUT
Arms: SPACE-TIME CONTINUUMS
Personality: WONDERFUL
Distinguishing Features: BARITONE TO DIE FOR
Attainability: HAPPILY MARRIED

Listen up, Paddy: you’re one hell of a guy. Yes readers, it’s true. This man, as well as being a tremendously talented Shakespearean actor, a Hollywood star, a vocal advocate for gay rights (and all round equality) and a new social media sensation, is a fully committed feminist and patron for Refuge (the charity for women seeking help from domestic violence) and regularly speaks about his own experiences with domestic violence as a child. Despite an incredibly well respected career as a British stage actor, he was well into his forties when he took on the role of Jean-Luc Picard; yet finds himself in his seventies (IKR?!) as a huge film star. I mean, how cool. He’s a staunch Labour voter, and a humanist, and a very, very, kind man. Look and learn, fellas.

(For my mum and dad – huuuuuuuuuge Patrick fans. Xx)

If you’d like to donate to Refuge, please click here.

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JASON MOMOA

jason-momoa-game-of-thrones-the-red-road-giFace: HAWAII TEN O
Body: GAME OF THROBS
Arms: FUCKING GINORMOUS
Personality: SPIRITUAL
Distinguishing Features: KEEN ARTIST (SERIOUSLY)
Attainability: MARRIED TO LISA BONET

The fact that he is deemed worthy by ultimate babe Lisa Bonet says it all, as far as I’m concerned. And although during his turn on Stargate Atlantis he was permanently dressed as a poor man’s Kravitz circa 1993 (maybe she’s got a type…?) and his role in Game of Thrones made him look like a medieval Maori warrior who had accidentally joined the Chippendales in Las Vegas in the late eighties, his striking Hawaiian and Native American heritage renders him constantly resplendent. MEGA buff and with skin like burnished copper, Momoa stalks through life leaving men feeling super inadequate about their puny, wretched bodies and women flushed absolutely burning-hot and beetroot at the thought of he and Bonet having sex — which is basically the hottest thing ever.

(For Bim Adewunmi, because lol. And I promised. Xx)

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