Face: LIKE COMING HOME TO A COSY HOUSE
Personality: FUCKING NICE
Distinguishing features: GENIALITY IN ABUNDANCE
You know how I like a man carrying a bit of timber, don’t you. Here you go then: a classic example. Who cares about a bit of jiggle when you’re laughing your head off? Seth just exudes warmth, kindness, affability and good humour. He definitely gives absolutely perfect bear hugs, this goes without saying. He comes from a family of Canadian, liberal, Jewish socialists who love to talk and he has the wonderfully excitable, laid-back, easy charm of a springer spaniel. Happy. He’s just happy! I love his cheerful disposition; the way he champions the equality of women; the way he quite rightly calls out Justin Bieber for being a little fucking asswipe dickhead; and the way he is a super nice guy who doesn’t treat people like shit.
(For Lizzie and Gail. Timber roolz. Xx)
Body: CAN YOU FEEL THE WOULD TONIGHT (SORRY)
Personality: HAKUNA MATADA
Distinguishing features: KINGLY BEARING
Attainability: SOOOOO DEAD
Look, he’s just fit, yeah? Plus he was a king. The king. A really good king. Muscular, athletic, intelligent, fair, just — these are just a few of his notoriously attractive character traits. Sure, Simba grew up to be pretty hot stuff too, but Mufasa just had the edge and the wisdom to steal the ultimate crown. It’s debatable whether or not he’s as fit as Aslan, but I guess there are some regional differences in terms of mane-shades and pride ruling techniques. Anyhoo, Mufasa can teach us some valuable life lessons as well as looking sexy: always trust your gut instinct, your family can sometimes be real cunts, brush your hair every day, and never go near herds of wildebeest.
Face: PRINCE CHARMING
Distinguishing Features: BONE STRUCTURE LIKE WHUT
Attainability: SINGLE, BUT TROUBLED YO
Bless him, he’s had a tough time over the years, has old Adam. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder in his twenties, he’s had a fair few issues relating to his mental health. However, his stage presence and general vibe have always been spec-fucking-tacular. I mean, God wouldn’t have given you cheekbones like an origami crane if she didn’t want you to be a front man, knowhatahmsayin? Endlessly inspirational to young dandies across the globe, Mr Ant represents the best of the punk/New Romantic hybrids of the late 70s and early 80s. Mainly because he was the best looking. And I am nothing if not shallow. Just don’t invite him to any pubs in Camden, yeah?
Face: SUCH A MY’BAE
Arms: SLEEKLY MESMERIC
Personality: HAPPY GO LUCKY
Distinguishing Features: ALSO A SEMI-PRO FOOTBALLER
Attainability: YOUNG, PROBABLY UP FOR IT
This gorgeous young man is not only a 100% uberbabe, but he was also the first black male model to feature in a Burberry ad campaign. No small feat. It’s easy to see why he was chosen, of course: perfectly smooth skin, eyes like a bird of prey, and a lean, muscled body the likes of which laugh in the face of a McDonald’s McFlurry. The calories just fall off him! Because he is young and beautiful! And he plays loads of football! And he’s French! Not only this, but he has a model brother too, called Tidiou, who is also fucking incredible. Imagine going round their house for tea – these two mythical-looking creatures sat opposite you, watching you getting flustered as you spill your Pot Noodle all down yourself like a fucking MORON.
Face: THE LOVECHILD OF NIGELLA LAWSON & MATT LUCAS
Arms: GUILDHALL STUDENT UNION BARMAN
Personality: SEEMS LIKE A POPPET
Distinguishing Features: ASCENDING STAR
Seen Pride yet? Why not, man? Because the last WOULD entry was a Pride star, and I’m telling you now that the next one will be too. It’s a genuinely lovely film, with an extremely moving central (true) story. American Ben here plays the lead character, Mark; and his loooooooooooooooooong fringe of minky lashes and perfectly smooth, marble-skinned, egg-face are the sultry/angelic foil to his impassioned campaigner’s character. A classy, near-flawless Northern Irish accent conceals his New Yorker upbringing, but this Yankee is surely going places. His next film is the long awaited The Riot Club, which features more WOULDs in one film than even the mighty Troy . . . *books tickets, has some “me time”, yes I mean masturbation*
Face: A MIDSUMMER’S NIGHT WOULD
Body: 300 OUT OF 10
Distinguishing Features: EXCELLENT VOICE
Attainability: MARRIED WITH WEE ‘UNS
Skilled in the type of James Mason-esque vocal artistry that lulls even the most spirited of folk into a somnolent trance, his linguistic adroitness is merely one of several outstanding features. Also notable are his deeply significant bitter-chocolate eyes, his aptitude for accents, and his extraordinarily generous grin. Adored as a screen actor and revered on the stage, Mr West is an elegant example of British talent who straddles the two mediums with ease. Who else could play Richard Burton without turning his performance into a caricature? FUCKING NO ONE, that’s who. Check him out in the upcoming film Pride, it’s properly lovely. Dom is fabulous in it as an eighties luvvie and the film is poignant and hilarious.
(Hannah? T’were you who wanted Dom, right? Xx)
Face: KINDLY RABBI
Body: MAINLY HAIR
Personality: COMEDIC GENIUS
Distinguishing Features: TWINKLIEST EYES IN HOLLYWOOD
Attainability: WHAT DREAMS MAY COME
Oh Robin. You poor old sod. The demons returned for you far too soon. Despite your tragic and desperately premature departure from this earthly plane, your everlasting legacy will be the joy that you gave to millions of humans around the world; in every household; in every town; in every country. There are so, so many whose childhoods were suffused with the effortless characterisations that you so vividly and lovingly animated. Honest about your perceived failings and addictions to the end, your kindness was still legendary; your eyes still the most mischievous cornflower sparklers; your pleasingly paternal forearms as hirsute as those of a regal Silverback. Let’s assume that you are now where you wanted and needed to be; that your soul is at rest and your mind is now free. Be safe, wonderful man. Be safe, now.