Face: LORD OF WOULDTOWN
Body: ALPHA DOG
Arms: TOPANGA CANYONS
Personality: INTO THE MILD
Distinguishing Features: PROMISING TALENT
Listen, yeah, I’ll give you the bad news first: he’s only five foot seven. GUTTED. But, good things often come in small packages (hello Robert Downey Jnr), and Emile here is no exception. He’s been the undoubted star of many an independent film, with particular attention paid to his roles in Milk, Into The Wild and Alphadog. He was absolutely great in the dark comedy, Killer Joe, where he made his little bastard of a character somehow likeable. But, it was his starring turn in Into the Wild where his acting chops were most definitely finely seasoned. In Milk, as gay rights activist Cleve Jones, he once again proved that he is more than an exceptionally pretty face. Basically, he’s prime. I’ll just never wear heels AGAIN.
Face: HOT FUZZ(Y)
Arms: CLASSICALLY BRITISH
Personality: ABSOLUTE DIAMOND
Distinguishing Features: NORMALITY
Attainability: LOVE, ACTUALLY
HIYAAAAA! Did you miss me?! I knew you would. Anyway, I’m back, with a much-loved British national treasure (I’ve said ‘national treasure’ just to appease you, but I fucking hate that phrase). Mr Freeman is a proper nice fella. Everyone I know who’s met him has said so. He does indeed have a lovely aura and a smiley, approachable face — I can confirm this from the amount of times I’ve seen him browsing the menswear rails in Liberty, dreamily sifting through the Folk and YMC sections with a beatific expression on his face. He’s likeable, normal, clever, funny, talented and kind. Sounds like a keeper to me…
(BETH!! Better late than never, eh. And a belated birthday present for you. Xx)
Face: HENRY THE (CA)VI(LL)
Distinguishing Features: DIMPLETASTIC
Attainability: MARRIED FFS
What a lil’ babe. Pleasantly regular both in personality and demeanour, Claflin’s superbabe face adds a dimension of cinematic unattainability to his otherwise decidedly normal presence. He seems like a proper nice lad, which is a rare bonus these days. Married to his long-term love (actress Laura Haddock from The Inbetweeners movie) the current star of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is a star on the up and is presumably a hot ticket right now as far as box office cher-ching is concerned. He has more than a touch of the Cavill about him, but hopefully he won’t reveal a moose’s knuckle on Graham Norton’s sofa. I’m still getting over that, Henry.
Face: 1970S CULT LEADER
Distinguishing Features: CREATIVITY
Attainability: DUNNO. GET IN THERE MATE.
If you don’t know who this dude is, then listen to this. It’s probably his most well-known track and certainly one of his most beautiful. You may well also recognise him from his absolutely mental 2008 Eurovision performance, where he represented France. However, he is a wonderfully interesting and creative music-maker, and possesses a slightly sleazy sensuality only familiar to Gallic men. Bet he’s got some class APC garms strewn across his floor. Probably smells of cigarettes all the time too, like, but whevs. In fact, when I saw him perform live a few years back he put his cigarette in his nose and smoked that way so he could use his mouth for singing – DEDICATION.
(For beautiful Sarah: dance, dance, dance! Xx)
Face: THE SILVER PLANET
Body: SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST
Arms: LOVELY SPECIMENS
Distinguishing Features: MEGABRAIN
Bjork knows. Everyone knows. This man, for over sixty years, has graced our television screens and enthused wildly over the magnificence, the beauty, the harshness and the unending splendour of our little blue and green planet. He speaks with such passionate fervour that it is near on impossible not to be moved by his rapturous proselytising. Imagine living for even one year with that amount of love and dedication for our miraculous ecosystem. His absolute joy of life is always evident; and the infectious – and almost boyish – glee with which he introduces a baby sea otter, or the utterly respectful sadness with which he regards a dead polar bear, makes me love him more than I love some members of my own family. I don’t want him to ever, ever die. EVER.
(For Rosie. You waited a long darned time, kid. Xx)
Body: THE WOULD THAT SHAKES THE BARLEY
Arms: PEAKY BLINDERS
Distinguishing Features: AZURE EYES
Attainability: MARRIED WITH BAIRNS
I’ve dithered about with this post, mainly because I can’t decide whether or not I fancy Mr Murphy or am desperately terrified by him and his weird laser-eyes. But fuck it, here you go. An incredibly accomplished actor of both stage and screen, Cillian is magnificently chilling and prettily ethereal in equal measures. Capable of inspiring genuine fear when he inhabits a villainous role, he can also render grown men speechless at the cherubic beauty of his doe-eyed visage. With cheekbones that resemble glazed brioche buns and silky locks of a near-raven hue, Mr Murphy has a glacial appeal and will no doubt continue to court devotion from audiences all over the globe. Check yo’self before yo wreck yo’self.
(For my beautiful little koukla, Aphrodite, and also for Joel. Xx)
Apologies for the lack of posts recently, WOULD fans. I’ve been working very hard on my second business. Probably going to take over the world soon. Anyway, if you like models and you want to book some and pay them money, please check out our new editorial agency at www.agencie.co.uk
Body: SUPPLE AS A CAT(FISH)
Personality: BIT WEIRD
Distinguishing Features: GREAT BUSINESS BRAIN
Attainability: COULD BE ON TO A WINNER
I mean, ten years ago I’d have been saying ‘as if you’d fall in love with someone you met online, you fucking freak’, and although I’ve never succumbed to the (zero) allure of a dating website, some of my best and most brilliant flirting has been done via the medium of Facebook. So, I get that he was bedazzled by Megan. For me, it helps that my photos are extremely beautiful though. Also I am very charismatic. Anyway, I’ve talked enough about me. I wonder what Nev thinks about me? It’s likely that he’s heard of me – I am something of an internet phenomenon, after all. All I can do is assume that he’s soon to be in touch. He probably wants to make a documentary about me or whatever. That’s cool. I don’t have much time, but yeah — go for it, Nev.