Arms: DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS
Personality: AS GOOD AS IT GETS
Distinguishing Features: A WAY WITH WORDS
Attainability: SADLY DEPARTED
I’m absolutely gutted. Harold Ramis died last week, after a long and protracted illness. If you’re my age (thirty four), then Ghostbusters was probably a B I G thing from your childhood. I’m sure you had your favourite, it was probably Peter Venkman, the charismatic lothario. But my favourite was Egon Spengler, the introspective geek. This started a “thing” for me. A big thing. Ramis co-wrote the movie as well as starring in it, and went on to write and direct Groundhog Day and Analyze This (amongst many others) and didn’t do so much acting after that, save for the odd cameo. But, he always maintained a stronghold in my heart, and his comedic prowess will live on forever. You just cannot underestimate his influence on the comedy film makers that came after him. Rest in peace, Hazza.
(For me, and for Lizzie. Xx)
Face: AMERICAN BEAUTY
Body: SUBURBAN DAD
Arms: THE USUAL SUSPECTS
Distinguishing Features: CHOCOLATE VOICE
Attainability: OOPS I JUST HAPPENED TO FALL OVER ONTO THIS GAY MAN’S PENIS
Here’s another one who’s been on the list for, like, ever, but his recent excellence in House of Cards has brought him back to my fickle attention. I developed an übercrush on his psychotic celluloid characters of the nineties, purely because of his tremedously mesmerising voice. It sounds like all of the best, creepiest, sexiest and calmest voices decided to get together one day and form a little supergroup like The Travelling Wilburys and, combined, just be THE best fucking voice. Now, despite his protestations, I think it’s safe to assume that we got ourselves a gay here. Fuck knows why he doesn’t just come out, but it’s unlikely that he’ll be announcing his heterosexual marriage any time soon. In the meantime, please indulge his little fantasy . . . for he provides me with many.
Face: HIPSTER VAMPIRE
Body: A SINGLE MANCHILD
Arms: FIRST CLASS
Personality: ABOUT A (HUNDRED PERCENT BETTER THAN A) BOY
Distinguishing Features: DIMPLES
Attainability: POTENTIALLY ENGAGED TO J-LAW
Dude, he’s twenty four now, OK? That’s nearly a quarter of a century old, before you get all fucking outraged with me or whatever. And what a sexy man he’s shaping up to be. Tom Ford spotted this quality and expertly cast him in A Single Man, where he was able to fully shake off the shackles of the weird kid in About A Boy for once and for all. Reportedly (soon to be) engaged to uber-babe Jennifer Lawrence, Mr Hoult is a great, understated, watchable talent. I’m excited to see what he’ll get up to next, actually. I mean, it’s not like I’ve imagined him bulking up, growing a beard and stripping off because that’s just wrong. SICK AND WRONG.
(For you, Duffster. Xx)
Today’s special guest post comes from Twitter’s best funny fucker, The Sarcastialist. If you’re one of those daft cunts that doesn’t ‘do Twitter’ then you won’t know what we’re on about so you may as well just not even bother reading this.
Face: 90s GERMAN POPSTAR/LAB TECHNICIAN
Body: LIKE A NORMAL ONE BUT LITTLER
Arms: CAN’T REACH HIS POCKETS
Personality: BIG BABY
Distinguishing Features: CURRY SAUCE ALL DOWN HIM
Attainability: WHO’D WANT HIM
The thing about this fucking rat is he’s fit but he’s a proper mingebag. I met him in the Lobster Pot after a mad all-dayer (I’d gone into town to take about a million pairs of kecks back to Primark & found meself going straight to Coopers with the twenty quid I’d got back – long story but I got booted out for doing lines off the bar & tryna lick the mic while me Grandad was doing Wrecking Ball).
So I’m in the Pot ordering me food and this fucking whopper walks in and asks for the same thing I’m having – curry sauce, half rice, half chips. When the girl shouts the order I’m too busy texting me Ma to come and get me so I don’t hear it, and he says it’s his and fucks off with it – by the time I get outside to grab it off him he’s already dropped it on the deck. Now, at this point most gentlemen would be sound and say it’s alright – not this prick though. He goes back in and gets the other curry rice & chips and tries to fuck off with that as well, saying I’d pushed him over.
To be honest it’s a bit blurry after that, but the bizzies came and took a statement off both of us and he got put in an ambulance – I heard him tell the paramedic his name was Jonny, but you know he’s a fucking Jonathan. I’ll probably have to see him again next month when he gives evidence, but I’m pretty sure he knows it was his fault so it should be sound. I might even get the miserable twat to take me to San Carlo or something by way of an apology.
Face: ANDY GARCIA’S LOVECHILD
Arms: CUBAN BUILDER
Distinguishing Features: MUSICAL TALENT
You might not immediately correlate Oscar Isaac’s ace performance as a 1960s Greenwich folk singer in Inside Llewyn Davis with his Latino gangsta wannabe in Drive, such is the chameleon-esque quality of his work. And let me tell you, his look in the new Coen Brothers offering is seeeeeeeeeeeriously tasty. Beard, tousled locks, limpid brown eyes… The only thing that ruins it is that he plays a fucking folk singer, and that the soundtrack has the stamp of hefty-bodied, doughy-faced, droney voiced, Christian nauseoleum, personality-devoid, fuckface Marcus Mumford all over it. WAH. But whevs. Just focus on the WOULDness. It’s got Timberlake in it too, and Garrett Hedlund looks like he’d shag you in an alleyway. Awesome. Oscar Isaac – destined for BiG tHiNgS.
Face: PLUG FROM THE BEANO
Personality: DRIVEN DRIVER
Distinguishing Features: UNEXPLAINABLE CHARISMA
Look, he got that body because he used to be a US Marine. A MUTHAFUCKIN’ MARINE!! And then he got injured in Iraq, and then he got discharged, and then he studied acting at Juilliard. The boy is actually one helluva man. I know what some of you are thinking… You’re thinking, ‘but, he’s just so weird looking’. Not the point though, is it? He has a sexual allure akin to that of the most genetically blessed male of the species because he simply exudes charisma. He’s intelligent, funny, and runs a non-profit organisation that arranges theatre productions for military personnel. He’s a babe. Plus, he is currently starring in his breakthrough role as Adam in GIRLS, as well as featuring in the excellent new Coen Brothers’ offering, Inside Llewyn Davis. So, you know what to do.
Body: I PREDICT A WOULD
Arms: OH MY GOD
Distinguishing Features: YORKSHIRE WIT
Attainability: DUNNO? WORTH A PUNT INNIT
Mate, I don’t even give a shit. I fancied him when he was carrying timber. He’s always been sexy, because he’s got a wit drier than Courtney Stodden’s hair. But now he’s slimmed down a little bit (didn’t need to, but phwoar) and discovered Blanx toothpaste, all of a sudden loads of birds have decided he’s worth pursuing. Tssk, amateurs. Guys, you have to see past the external visage to the WOULD inside. However, despite your fairweather fancying, I think it’s a good thing that Rick is now getting the attention he deserves. Many a time in the early-to-mid noughties I’d watch Popworld with a comedown and marvel at his wonderfully sardonic sense of humour, then self-medicate with a Grab Bag of Mini Cheddars. Well, you have to, don’t you.
(For Steph and Elly – appreciators. Xx)