Face: A MIDSUMMER’S NIGHT WOULD
Body: 300 OUT OF 10
Distinguishing Features: EXCELLENT VOICE
Attainability: MARRIED WITH WEE ‘UNS
Skilled in the type of James Mason-esque vocal artistry that lulls even the most spirited of folk into a somnolent trance, his linguistic adroitness is merely one of several outstanding features. Also notable are his deeply significant bitter-chocolate eyes, his aptitude for accents, and his extraordinarily generous grin. Adored as a screen actor and revered on the stage, Mr West is an elegant example of British talent who straddles the two mediums with ease. Who else could play Richard Burton without turning his performance into a caricature? FUCKING NO ONE, that’s who. Check him out in the upcoming film Pride, it’s properly lovely. Dom is fabulous in it as an eighties luvvie and the film is poignant and hilarious.
(Hannah? T’were you who wanted Dom, right? Xx)
Face: KINDLY RABBI
Body: MAINLY HAIR
Personality: COMEDIC GENIUS
Distinguishing Features: TWINKLIEST EYES IN HOLLYWOOD
Attainability: WHAT DREAMS MAY COME
Oh Robin. You poor old sod. The demons returned for you far too soon. Despite your tragic and desperately premature departure from this earthly plane, your everlasting legacy will be the joy that you gave to millions of humans around the world; in every household; in every town; in every country. There are so, so many whose childhoods were suffused with the effortless characterisations that you so vividly and lovingly animated. Honest about your perceived failings and addictions to the end, your kindness was still legendary; your eyes still the most mischievous cornflower sparklers; your pleasingly paternal forearms as hirsute as those of a regal Silverback. Let’s assume that you are now where you wanted and needed to be; that your soul is at rest and your mind is now free. Be safe, wonderful man. Be safe, now.
Face: YOUR MATE’S FIT BROTHER
Body: MONEYBALL(S DEEP)
Arms: GUARDIANS OF THE WOULDAXY
Distinguishing Features: STAR ON THE UP
Attainability: MARRIED TO ANNA FARIS
OK, OK, OK! I fucking listened to your pleas! Of course, I already knew about Chris Pratt. In fact, I kind of preferred him when he was a bit fat, tbqfhwy. But here he is – newly svelte and newly mega-famous. It is absolutely deserved: he has put in some sterling work on Parks & Recreation, as well as excellent supporting roles in both Her and Moneyball. I think it’s his personality, as opposed to his physical transformation (although that hasn’t hurt, KWIM?!) that has made the hearts of ladies and gaydies across the globe sing in unison. He’s just a dead nice guy who doesn’t take himself seriously, and he’s married to Anna Faris who is allowed to join my gang comprised of famous women who would hold your hair for you if you were spewing (Drew Barrymore, Emma Stone, and Meryl Streep are also esteemed members).
(SGG, this is your first – but hopefully not your last – dedication from moi. Xx)
Face: MATT DILLON SENIOR
Distinguishing Features: JAWLINE HEWN FROM GRANITE
Attainability: NOT A CHANCE
Here’s a great fact about JG: he married his wife, Lois (a single mother with a seven year old child who was recovering from polio), fourteen days after meeting her. That was in 1956. They are still together. She told him that if he even played a Republican character she would leave him, such is their Democratic loyalty. He was sat in the third row when Martin Luther King gave his ‘I Have A Dream’ speech. He’s a total dude. Sadly now in ill health after a series of strokes, James was once the pinnacle of manliness. Not as hirsute as Burt Reynolds or as wife-beatery as Sean Connery, Garner straddled the small and big screens with comparative ease, his testosterone worn like a magic cape. It’s a good job he changed his name from Bumgarner, which was his moniker from birth. And God bless those Cherokee genes – he’s had skin to die for his whole life.
Body: THE DESTROY(NEU)ER
Arms: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MASSIVE
Personality: SEEMS SOUND
Distinguishing Features: BEST GOALIE IN THE WORLD
Attainability: SOME SORT OF MODEL BABE-WAG PROBABLY
If you saw the World Cup final last night, you’ll possibly be of the opinion that the man of the match was the prepubescent ventriloquist’s dummy, Mario Götze, who scored the winning (and only) goal. Or how about professional German, Bastian Schweinsteiger? Nah. For me, it was the mountainous frame of the heroic goalkeeper, Manuel Neuer. Impressively nimble for one so big (6’4″ to be exact), Neuer does a lot of sexy running around for a goalie. I realise that he has the type of face that probably looks piggy-eyed first thing in the morning, and presumably – like most footballers – he has an overwhelming tendency to act like a primo dickwad; but despite the porcine visage and (totally imagined, tbh) immaturity, I’d still like to do some handling of my own. WITHOUT the gloves.
(Hey Quiggers! xx)
Face: ALPINE RANGE
Personality: SEHR SCHÖN
Distinguishing Features: CHEEKBONESSSSSSS
Ahhhh, Germany. Excellent at producing cars, beer, and stable financial economies. The other thing they excel at is spawning massive, strapping, tremendously hunky men. Now, some of these men play sport – and very good they are at it too. Some of these men are destined for international business, and – surprise! – they win. But, some of these men are more at home on the fashion runways of this world, and holy sweet Jesus they are fucking obsceeeeeeeeeeenely handsome. Dominik here is merely one of them! There are fucking loads! I just picked him on a whim! But what a terrific example, ja? Ich möchte mit ihm Sex zu haben, over and over and over again. Guten Abend!
Body: THE RIGHT STUFF
Personality: STEEL MAGNOLIA
Distinguishing Features: DEDICATED WRITER
Attainability: FAIR GAME
Obviously, it’s nearly always terrible for your partner if you have a long, creatively inspiring, ground-shaking extra-marital affair – everybody knows that. But when your affair is with the absolute goddess and visionary that is Patti Smith, it’s….well. You see my dilemma here. Yeah, OK, he was potentially a duplicitous prick, but then his wife and lover became friends, because his lover was PATTI SMITH. I mean, you just couldn’t stay angry, right? A noted actor, but mainly a well-respected playwright, Sam Shepard was also shacked up with Jessica Lange for over thirty years (after Smith) until their break up in 2010. He is elegantly rugged, with the sleek face of a pedigree greyhound, and languid limbs that look best in loose silk shirts. But mainly, Patti Smith.